When I'm Small (Blue Monday)
by reverse-swing
Summary: Sequel to Winter's Shadow. "So there's a fork in the road Pipes, we just need to decide which way we need to go, don't we?" Your past is the past, until it's not and Alex Vause is realising that the hard way. Domestic Vauseman ahoy!
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: So then, after countless requests, over a period of two years, I have finally obliged and produced a sequel to 'Winter's Shadow.' This story picks up where we left off the previous tale and does contain elements of domestic Vauseman.**_

 _ **As I'm working on other writing projects too, I'm hoping to update this one every 2/3 weeks as a rough guide. But if you follow the story you'll get a notification anyway.**_

 _ **Finally, thank you to 'imissedyourpatronage' for her help with various bits and pieces.**_

 _ **Enjoy.**_

…

The snow catches her off guard, after all, it's only late October, but it doesn't slow her pace, or weaken her resolve to get as far away from the charred remnants of her clothes store as she can manage.

When her fingers no longer feel as though they're her own and the ground becomes too treacherous under foot, she hails a cab and tells the driver to take her down town. He tries to make small talk and when that doesn't work, he cracks a joke about global warming and the freak weather they're having. Alex nods in perfunctory fashion, but her brain can't process anything past the fire.

She stares out of the window, observing the world whirr past her in a neon lit smudge of Halloween lanterns and fairy lights and toys with the idea of calling Piper right now and blurting the whole thing out, in one laboured breath, but she knows that wouldn't be fair, Olivia is with her after all.

They drive around aimlessly for a little while longer ('I'll tell you when to stop okay?') and finally the car ends up outside a bar she used to frequent, back when she was struggling to make the rent, when her heart was less full, when the stakes were much less high.

'You know this establishment well?' the driver says, pocketing the cash and dubiously eyeing up the place.

'Well enough,' she mumbles. She climbs out of the cab and stands under the stoop of the bar, lighting a cigarette and watching the smoke unfurl towards the ungodly sky. She imagines Bill and Carol Chapman;

 _I told you so._

And Polly Harper;

 _This can't be a surprise Piper?_

And bile coats the back of her throat.

She stands for a little while longer, watching delicate, watery snowflakes, morph into more permanent, menacing snowdrifts.

Winter's shadow has never been so prevalent.

…

She's two shots of Bourbon down, willing the world to become softer around the edges, for a pleasurable numbness to descend, but everything still seems too vivid, a brutal Technicolour and oh how she longs for sepia.

She removes her glasses, tossing them onto the coffee table so they land with a soft thump on top of a messy pile of bank statements; exhibit A.

And then she hears the click of the front door latch.

 _Piper._

And she's swooping up all the evidence and shoving it by the fistful into the drawer of the end table. After all, too many questions spoil the broth.

She barely has time to re-position herself on the couch, before she hears the gentle padding of tiny feet.

"Can you guess who it is?" Olivia says, sticky hands curling around Alex's head, covering her eyes.

'Um…is it Santa?'

Olivia giggles heartily, 'no silly, how can it be Santa, it's not Christmas yet?'

'You're right, you're right,' Alex says, shifting her position slightly, 'let me think….who else's hands would smell of Cherry Jolly Ranchers…mmmm….one second…I think it's coming to me…' She taps her temple as if assisting the cogs of her brain. 'Is it….Liv?' and she stands up and turns and swoops the 6 year old up in her arms, blowing raspberries against her cheek.

And the room is a cacophony of laughter and candy kisses and for a second, Alex feels like herself again, the unbroken version.

'Come on you,' Piper says grabbing Olivia from the brunette, 'it's late, what did we say?'

Olivia looks up at her, blinking blue eyes wide, 'um…I don't remember…'

'I bet you don't,' Piper says, trying not to laugh, 'well luckily I _do_ remember, we said pyjamas, brush your teeth and then bed, okay?'

Olivia turns to Alex (her usual ally) for support, but none is forthcoming, not tonight. 'You heard what your mom said kiddo.'

'But..,' she begins to protest, not sure how to continue so that she gets her way.

'I tell you what,' Alex says, 'if you're quick, I'll come up and read you a story, okay?'

'The one about the princesses and goblins?'

'Sure, kiddo, whatever you like, now come on, the sooner you get ready, the sooner it's story time.' Alex has barely finished her sentence before the 6 year old has squirmed free of Piper's grasp and is bolting up the stairs.

'You doing alright?' Piper says, putting her arms around the brunette and pulling her in for a kiss. She jerks her head away after a few seconds, sniffing the air, 'you smell of smoke Al.'

'No shit Sherlock, that'll be the cigarettes,' Alex grins, hoping for a subject change, 'I know I said I'd quit,' she continues, hands in the air in mock surrender, 'but what ya gonna do?'

'Funny, but it isn't _that_ sort of smoke.' The blonde pauses, regards her curiously, clearly waiting for her girlfriend to fill in the gaps. Flesh out the parts to make the story more palatable.

'I just went to the store, it's still pretty smoky down there, that's probably what it is.' She untangles herself from the embrace, a feeling of claustrophobia beginning to cloak her. 'I'll take a shower before bed,' she says opening the fridge, the sickly yellow light spilling out and illuminating her face so that she has nowhere to hide. 'How were your parents?'

'They were fine, the same….it's probably a good job you didn't come along though, my mother was in fine 'form.'

'No surprises there,' she says, laughing sardonically, 'what's the latest gossip from the country club? Who's fucking the gardener?' She closes the fridge, the tinkling of bottles adding a strange juxtaposition to the conversation.

'Al,' Piper says so gently, it makes Alex's heart feel like a soft, useless thing.

'I know what you're going to say Pipes, can we leave it for tonight please? I've just had a tough day.'

'I figured,' the blonde says, nodding towards the empty tumbler on the table.

'So now you're judging me?'

'No, of course not, but you need to stop visiting the store, it's like a barely healed scab you won't allow to settle. _Yes_ the fire was upsetting, but the insurance company are sending an assessor around aren't they?'

She pauses pointedly, and this is when Alex should jump in and tell her about the deposit money, about how she forgot to renew the insurance last year, about how years of hard work and thousands and thousands of dollars of stock are nothing more than ash and scar tissue. But then Olivia is shouting for her bedtime story and it's such an easy out, that she takes it without hesitation. After all, at least one of them deserves a fairy tale ending.

…

Monday is blue; Monday is what she's been dreading.

Olivia is sitting munching her cereal with such a fierce concentration that it always makes Alex's chest pang in a way she'd never before thought possible.

'You enjoying that Liv?' she asks, leaning against the kitchen countertop and taking a deep sip off coffee.

She nods and then shovels another spoonful into her mouth. 'It's brain food, Finn says so.'

Alex is wondering whether or not she should correct this statement, but then Piper walks in with a white envelope and everything she's been biting back for the last few days, bursts back through to the surface, sending her adrift.

'It's from the clinic,' she says beaming, holding the letter aloft, 'we've been accepted for the fertility treatment, we just need to transfer the rest of the funds within the next week or so and they can start.' She's bouncing on the balls of her feet with crazy, childlike enthusiasm and the fear, the thing that sits at the very pit of Alex's stomach, dormant for the most part, is alive, knifing its way up through her lungs and lodging itself firmly in her throat.

'Can you go to the bank and transfer the money later today Al?'

 _Well you see honey, i'm running a little low on funds. I (not so) cleverly put down a huge deposit to buy the store, it was meant as a surprise, and now it's nothing more than a charred carcass with no insurance to cover it. Ain't that fucking grand!_

She needs to buy time, to try and find a way out of this tar like mess she's gotten herself into.

'Might be a bit later in the week,' she finally says, turning to pour the remnants of coffee down the sink, pointedly ignoring eye contact. She mumbles something about waiting for a payment to clear, a Chinese buyer. But there is no reprieve, because Piper is right by her side, holding her hand and she whispers a song they used to play over and over, back when Larry was still in the picture and stolen moments in the shadows were all they had;

 _Until I first met you, I was lonesome_

 _And when you came in sight, dear, my heart grew light_

 _And this old world seemed new to me_

And she laughs and Alex feels the slight fracture of her heart crack a little deeper.

'Remember Al? My dear Mr. Shane…' and she carries on singing the song, so light and sweet it feels like summer again.

'How can I forget? You violated my ear drums with it all the time,' she smiles.

'What's viy-ow-layt mean?' Olivia says, scraping the chair legs across the kitchen floor as she removes herself from the table.

'It means stop listening to adult conversations missy, now go get your stuff ready, it's nearly time for school.'

Olivia wanders out of the room, still whispering the word under her breath.

 _Viy-ow-layt, Viy-ow-layt._

'If she uses that word incorrectly, you're gonna be the one at fault,' Piper says, punctuating the end of the sentence with a kiss.

'She'll have forgotten it by the end of the day,' Alex says, 'trust me.' She only wishes everything was so easy.

…

Alex spends the rest of day pouring through paperwork, trying to unearth even the merest sliver of hope to try and remedy the situation, but the numbers merely taunt her, blurring into a singular black smudge by late afternoon and she's no further along than when she began.

And before she knows it, Liv is back from school and Piper is complaining about how quickly she's outgrown her shoes. 'This is the third pair in as many months, I swear,' she sighs, planting a kiss on the top of Alex's head. 'Makes me think I should go back to working fulltime, that would just about cover the cost of having her.'

She says it in such a carefree way that Alex feels stupid for even thinking what she is, but there's a darkness marbling her thoughts and seemingly long forgotten words float into sharp focus, so they're no longer harmless, spectral things of Christmas past;

 _Your shoes are bobos_

And then the confession is back, precariously balanced on the tip of her tongue, waiting to take the leap into the abyss. But then Liv comes bowling in, shows her what they learnt in history class today and so Alex swallows it back down for another day. But the shadows are drawing in, she's running out of time, earth crumbling beneath her feet. She just has to hope she can make it.

…

 _ **AN:**_ _ **The song lyrics in this chapter are from 'Bei Mir Bist du Schoen' (My Dear Mr. Shane) by the Andrews Sisters.**_

 _ **Feel free to leave comments- they are most welcome. Or you can come chat to me on tumblr about it, where I'm orthodox-swing.**_

 _ **Cheers.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Hello folks, hope you're all good.**

 **This is a bit of a tricky story for me to write if I'm being really honest, because I don't feel as though domestic Vauseman is really my strength and I don't want it to read like some Brady Bunch style love in. But I never shy away from a challenge, so…..**

 **Thank you for your comments and follows etc, please feel free to leave more. I would add, that if you have a specific question or an aspect of the story you want to discuss, then please PM me or chat to me on my tumblr (I'm orthodox-swing) because I would rather not side track the review board with discussions.**

 **Anyway, here is chapter 2.**

 **Enjoy.**

…

It's been a week and the lie is growing, like a particularly vicious nettle, nipping and scratching as it beds itself deeper, the thick, fibrous reeds of deceit, entwining themselves around the fabric of Alex's brain.

Ron, the owner of the building, calls her mid week. 'Insurance has agreed to pay out on the work to the store, seems like the fire fighters were right, it was a faulty strip light connection that caused it, good job we got insurance right?' Alex doesn't have the strength to tell him that this is only _part_ of the problem, that she hadn't insured her stock and as she'd blown a huge hole in her savings towards a deposit to buy the damn store from Ron, she really has nothing much to fall back on.

She tells Mia, over coffee the next morning. 'Shit,' is all her companion can muster at first. 'Guess that puts me out of a job for a while?'

'Are you fucking kidding me? You're lucky I made you manager in the first place!'

'Chill AV,' she says leaning back in her chair, 'I've done my time in that place over the years….'

'I'll be sure to give you a glowing reference,' Alex deadpans.

Mia's silent for a moment as she takes a large bite out of Cronut. 'These really are a bit gross,' she says, tossing the pastry down onto the plate, 'why are they even a thing?'

'Have you got anything more useful to add, or are you just gonna keep appraising the baked goods in this shit hole?'

'Anyone ever tell you that your temper has worsened with age?'

'Anyone ever tell you that you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you?'

'You mean _fed_ , past tense….'

'Right, so that's a _no_ to helpful suggestions then?' Alex says, frustration bubbling over and threatening to tip her over the edge. Rationally (the small part that still exists) she knows it isn't fair to take this out on Mia, after all, she's lost her main source of income too, but her nerves are frayed and the letter from the clinic is practically burnt into her psyche, so she allows herself this slight assholish indulgence, for now at least.

'Well actually, I _do_ have something that may interest you,' Mia says slightly haughtily, that's if you can bear to spend a second longer in my presence.' She grins and twirls a strand of dyed, purple hair around her finger.

'Just quit being such a pain in the ass and tell me will you? I have to pick Liv up from school in ten minutes.'

'Okay okay, well uncle Charlie has opened up another couple of bars in town and he's looking for some managers, I'm sure you'd be in with a shout, you've worked for him before…and you managed not to fuck _that_ up…well not entirely'

'First rate comedian aren't you?' Alex says, glancing down at her watch and realising she'd overestimated how much time she had to pick up her daughter. 'Listen, tell him to call me okay, I'm interested.' She grabs her coat from the back of the chair, 'let me know what he says alright?'

Mia nods.

'I mean it, this isn't a joke..'

'Never is with you,' Mia says, taking another sip of her drink.

Alex doesn't correct her.

…

Olivia is part way through telling Alex about their class paper mache project. 'I'm working with Jenna,' she says through sticky, raspberry jelly lips. 'She wants to make a pig but I want to make a hamster, like Harriet,' she continues, before taking another bite of her sandwich.

Alex glances up at her through the rear view mirror, 'so what have you decided?' she asks, knowing exactly what the answer is going to be.

'Well I said to Jenna, if she wants to do the pig then I won't be her partner.' And she says it so matter of factly, like it's the most obvious solution in the world, that Alex has to bite back a small chuckle.

'Hey now, Liv, what have we said about hurting people's feelings?'

Olivia takes another large mouthful of her snack and doesn't reply.

'Liv?' Alex says, gently cajoling her.

'I can't speak,' she says thickly, 'you said I shouldn't talk when my mouth is full.'

And before she can stop herself, laughter tumbles from Alex's lips and all she can do is shake her head. 'How d'you get so smart?' she says, only half to herself. But Liv is too busy leafing through a storybook to pay attention.

…

Alex opens the apartment door and the smell of fish is the first thing that greets them. Liv immediately crinkles up her nose and uses her fingers like a peg to block up the end of it.

'I know kid…must be another of your mom's new recipes huh?'

'Yukky,' is all she gets in response.

'I thought I heard voices,' Piper says, wandering into the hallway and wiping her wet hands on a dishcloth that's tossed over her left shoulder. Her hair is scraped back into a messy bun and her face looks a little flushed.

'Dare we ask what you've been doing?' Alex grins.

'I've been making Bouillabaisse, the fish was really fresh at the market this morning, I went early after I'd dropped Liv off at school and called the clinic. By the way,' she says, planting a kiss on her daughter's head 'they still haven't received the money, can you check with your bank again? I hope the payment hasn't got lost somewhere,' she furrows her brow at the thought.

Alex nods, her gut contorting viciously at the statement, 'tomorrow morning I will, it's probably too late now.' Even as she says it, she knows it sounds like a feeble excuse and if she hasn't already, it will only be a matter of time before Piper begins to get suspicious. And the truth bristles back into sharp focus, all jagged edges and venom.

'Mom, can I have pizza for dinner,' Olivia says, momentarily cracking the fraught silence that has fallen.

'Pizza?'

'Uh huh.'

'Honey, the stew is going to be yummy, don't you at least want to try some?'

She shakes her dark tousled hair vehemently, 'fish is gross.'

Piper rolls her eyes, 'I'll make a deal with you, try a bit of fish and if you don't like it, you can have pizza, okay?'

'Pepperoni?' she says, blue eyes lighting up as if she hasn't heard the first part of the agreement, 'if you like, now go get changed and bring your homework down okay?'

She skips off singing a made up song about pepperoni and fish ( _pepperoni and fish, pepperoni and fish, fish guts are gross, pizza is my wish)._

''Make that two for pizza,' Alex says, only half joking.

'Nope,' Piper says kissing her on the lips, ' _you're_ a supposed adult, you don't get to squirm out of it that easily.'

'Why do I feel like I'm being punished?' Alex replies, pulling the blonde in tighter.

'I don't know, have you done something you need to confess?' She's smiling, so Alex knows it's said in nothing more than jest, but that's the thing about lies, they make your skin itch as if you're trying to shed a layer of yourself, start afresh, except it isn't that easy.

'Al?' Piper says, blue hues darkening like a winter sea, recognising the obvious change in Alex's expression.

'I just don't like fish stew all that much okay?' she replies, breaking the embrace roughly. She walks through to the kitchen, where clouds of steam are currently billowing from a large cooking pot on the stove.

'Nice try, but you know I wasn't referring to the fish, you've been cagey for days, what's going on? Is it your mom, is she okay? Her hip's been alright since the fall last month hasn't it?'

'She's fine,' Alex says, feeling like some particularly treacherous beast, especially when all Piper is doing is expressing concern.

The root of the issue is simple enough-she's _scared_.

Having another child is all they've discussed for the past 18 months. Countless weekends have gone by in a shapeless blur, raking over the store's accounts, balancing up savings, trying to streamline outgoings, in order to decide whether or not the cost of the fertility treatment was feasible.

'We've got Olivia already, why isn't that enough?' she'd asked Piper one night. Maybe that was selfish of her on some level, she'd concede that she supposes, but images of her own childhood never lurk far from the periphery of her thoughts and she imagines Liv with taped together state funded glasses, being singled out for being a poor bastard child. And the thought sends her quite sick.

On those nights, she always steals a moment or two, watching her daughter held captive by the sandman.

But Piper had always insisted that having two children _was_ cost effective. 'We can use Liv's old cloths and toys, I've still got them boxed away in the attic.'

'What if we have a boy?'

And Piper had just smiled and muttered something about how gender rules were out of the window these days, 'besides, hardly like all we ever dressed her in was pink, frilly things.' And so Alex had conceded, a loose yes, based on simple math.

Until _now._

Until the full gravity of her mistake has come to the fore and now she's standing in the kitchen, with one of the things she loves most and she can't bring herself to be brave enough to say it. Not the detail of it in any case.

'I've fucked up Pipes,' is all she can manage. She glances out of the fugged up window, watching early afternoon melt into evening and wishing she had some way she could make this better.

'What do you mean fucked up? What's happened?' Piper's voice breaks a little around the last word, betraying the depth of her concern.

And so she explains the sorry situation, barely able to make eye contact, not quite managing the _whole_ truth, the clawing _fear._

At first Piper listens patiently, nods at the most pertinent detail to show she's absorbed the graveness of the situation, but Alex guesses she hasn't quite done the math yet, that 2 and 2 is not going to equal 4 this time….there can't be any fertility treatment, not on the feeble savings they have left.

But then it happens all at once, her thoughts and reality morphing into one inconvenient truth and her eyes are wide and glassy, 'so the fertility treatment….'

It's not even a question really, more of a stream of consciousness and before Alex has the chance to add anything further, to apologise or explain how she's planning to take on shifts at Charlie's bar, Olivia has come down with her homework.

She wrinkles up her nose again, points at the pot of stew and giggles as she looks at Alex. And in her entire life, Alex Vause doesn't think she's ever felt quite so small, so insignificant, like she's in the dark, grappling for something that's always shifting, changing shape.

'Hey baby,' Piper says, rubbing her eyes, 'you got your homework there?'

Olivia nods.

'Well,' the blonde continues dropping the dish cloth onto the countertop and turning off the stove, 'why don't we take it to aunt Polly's and grab a pizza on the way? Sound good?'

Liv shoots her one of her broadest toothiest grins. 'Can I take my sticker book to show Finn?'

'Sure you can honey, go grab it and we'll head out in a minute.'

She dashes out of the room, the smell of fish suddenly the last thing on her mind.

'So you're gonna bail? That's your plan to resolve this?'

'No,' Piper replies, hard and cold, failing to make eye contact, 'I just need some space to think things through, I really don't think that makes _me_ the unreasonable one.'

'Right, so tattling to Polly is going to resolve this?' Alex says, the volume of her voice rising alarmingly, so the words seems to rattle, hollow, around the kitchen.

'Keep your voice down,' Piper hisses, 'I don't want Liv to find out.'

'Find out what?'

'Alex I just need some space….we'll talk later, when Liv's in bed and….'

'And you've have a good old bitch about me to prissy Polly. She knows she's overstepped the mark there, that if they were both participants in a game, she'd have been disqualified, because it's such a low blow. So pathetic infact, that Piper doesn't even grace her with a reply.

'Ready!' Liv shouts from the hallway.

'See you later.' Piper says, snatching up her phone from the dining table.

'Pipes….I'm…' but it's barely audible by the time the blonde has left the kitchen and the thing Alex really wants to say, what she feels more than anything, doesn't free it itself from her lips until she hears the click of the front door closing.

'Sorry,' she eventually whispers, to nobody but herself.


	3. Chapter 3

_**AN: Hi folks, hope you're good. Thank you for all your reviews and follows.**_

 _ **Some interesting thoughts on the story so far.**_

 _ **Someone mentioned that I had made Piper very mean in this (I'm paraphrasing) but on the show, neither Alex nor Piper are exactly paragons of virtue and part of the reason I enjoy writing them so much is because they are complex and flawed and very human.**_

 _ **Anyway, here's chapter 3, reviews welcomed with a tip of the hat.**_

 _ **Enjoy.**_

…

A solution, that's all they need. So rather than turning off at the intersection to Polly's, she keeps on driving, until the city melts into something greener, where the church spire reaches up to pierce the ungodly sky and white picket fences sprout out, tooth like from the ground, the gnashing jaws of privilege and breeding.

In her mind the issue is simply one of cash flow, nothing more, nothing less. The clinical nature of her thought process is a little sobering, even for her, but this is where the Carol Chapman part of her kicks in, the keeping up appearances bravado, the everything is just swell smile (it never does quite hit your eyes).

By the time she's pulling into the driveway, the lines have been rehearsed in her head over a dozen times, until the words are practically buzzing in her brain, fizzing on her tongue and (if she weakens and allows it) making her heart ache, like a bruise is beginning to bloom there.

And yet when she cuts the engine and everything is _just_ still enough, only one word hisses through her mind- _traitor_.

...

Olivia is reluctant to leave the car when she realises they're not at Finn's house.

'You said...' she begins, so full of disappointment and rage she can't quite get the rest of the words out, so she repeats them, this time clutching her sticker book against her chest, like some sort of shield, 'you said...' bottom lip jutting out.

'We won't be long baby, I promise, I just need to speak to grandma and grandpa about something,' Piper says, unbuckling her daughter and grabbing her backpack. And then the tightness in her chest is back, the one that's telling her she can't even bring herself to make eye contact with a six year old.

'What do you need to speak to them about?' Olivia says, still clutching the book protectively.

'Grown up stuff, nothing for you to worry about, but it'll be real quick, okay?'

She nods slowly, body still slightly tensed as, as if the threads of suspicion still linger.

'And pizza,' she adds exiting the car, 'remember you said we could get pizza?'

Piper nods, she only wishes everything was so easily resolved.

...

Carol and Bill are on their way out for the evening.

Bill mumbles something about a gala dinner and asks Piper if everything is ok. She nods, in perfunctory fashion, tugging on a loose thread hanging from her shirtsleeve and suddenly feeling like a kid being caught with her hand in the candy jar.

'Your mother should be down in a minute, god knows she's spent long enough getting ready,' Bill continues, eyeing her curiously. 'You sure everything is good?'

'Sure,' Piper says, trying to make her smile, broader, toothier, more convincing somehow, but it's clumsy and wrong and she has the sudden urge to grab Olivia and leave without another word.

'And how's this little bundle of trouble?' Bill says, turning to his granddaughter and ruffling her hair, his words softer around the edges, more palatable when Olivia is present.

Piper can't remember the last time he spoke to her in that way, or looked at her so fondly and she's surprised to find it stabs at her inconveniently- a hot poker of realisation.

Olivia giggles contently.

'Where's your... _friend?'_ Her father says, his usual term for Alex. And Piper has to fight to suppress a frustrated eye roll.

The truth is, she could be spiky about it, after all, it's not like she hasn't done it before. And it wouldn't be hard, to take the bait, snap and insist that he acknowledge that the brunette is her girlfriend, or like last Thanksgiving, point out that they have a child together and that it's no different to Cal and Neri or Danny and Vanessa.

But today the terms of the contract are different. In other words, she _needs_ his help. So she bites back her pride and hurt and everything else that makes her feel raw and _too_ human and keeps her tone as even as possible.

'She's at home, sorting out some paperwork,' she replies, trying to sound as bland as possible and hoping it won't lead to any questions about the store and the fire.

Bill doesn't reply, he merely nods and it irritates Piper, because it makes it more difficult to gauge his mood, to read what lies behind the soft folds of age around his eyes and she wonders how receptive he is going to be to her suggestion.

'You want some cookies?' He says to Olivia, not bothering to make any further small talk with his daughter.

Olivia glances over at the blonde, eyes eager, 'can I?'

'She's not had her dinner yet,' Piper says feebly, after all, that is _her_ fault.

'One cookie won't hurt will it?' Bill says, still refusing to make eye contact with the blonde.

The three of them pad to the kitchen, Olivia hopping onto a bar stool and merrily munching her way through the treat that's handed to her.

'Just one, okay sweetie?' Piper says, but the little girl's attention has now shifted, she's too busy leafing through her sticker book, telling Bill (her captive audience) about her favourites and the stickers she has left to collect. She's part way through describing a purple monster, crumb-coated fingers tracing the page, when Carol walks in.

'Piper?' she says, her mouth pulled into an odd, thin-lipped expression, ' we weren't expecting you, is everything ok?'

'Grandma!' Olivia yells, hopping off her stool and racing towards Carol, a bundle of such raw energy, she almost bowls the woman over.

'Hello sweetheart, I can see grandpa has been feeding you cookies,' she says smiling at the chocolate around the little girl's mouth.

' _One_ cookie,' Olivia corrects her, 'I'm only allowed _one_ ,' she looks over at Piper for approval.

'Well you need room in your tummy for pizza don't you?' Piper says.

'We're going to Finn's house,' Olivia continues grinning, 'do you want to come?'

'Hey Liv, why don't you go and watch TV for a little bit, ' Piper says interrupting. Her skull is beginning to pound behind her eyes and the persistent buzzing of the cell in her pocket is providing an inconvenient soundtrack to her conscience. 'I'll come get you when we're ready to go see Finn, okay?'

Her parents exchange glances but say nothing.

'Liv?' Piper continues, patience beginning to slip through her fingers like grains of sand.

'Okay, but promise we're still seeing Finn?' Olivia says, her suspicions from early still lingering.

'Cross my heart.'

And it works for the time being, as the little girl trudges off down the hall and a few seconds later, the sounds of a particularly exuberant cartoon can be heard filtering through to the kitchen.

'Are you going to tell us what's going on Piper, or would you like us to guess?' Carol says, closing the kitchen door, something the blonde remembers her doing even when Piper was a little girl, as if trapping the secrets in one room would somehow prevent them from doing any _real_ damage.

'Wow, don't bother with the kid gloves, huh mom?'

'Is it to do with Alex? Has she _done_ something?' Carol says, eyes narrowed, cold and hard like a pebble.

'What? No!' Piper says, so loudly that her mother actually takes a step backwards, steadying herself against the granite worktop. And that word hisses through the confines of her skull again.

 _Traitor._

And suddenly her throat feels scraped dry and that _thing_ knots itself tighter in her stomach, beds down for the night. Because all Alex has done is make a simple mistake. Broken down to its bare essentials, that's _all_ it is.

But the truth (and yes, she's allowing that to seep through, to permeate her, to run through her veins as viscous as blood) is that if they don't go through with the fertility treatment _now_ , she's not sure she can bring herself not to blame Alex.

To forgive her, _yes_. But blame is a different beast, blame is what destroys, renders things irreparable.

And that's the part of herself she despises, the petty Chapman part of her that she's worked so hard to chisel away over the years.

So she reasons ( _almost_ makes it seem logical) that she's doing this for _them_ , that if Alex really loves her, she'll understand, because things have always worked out, even when the presence of Larry loomed heavy and Alex's drinking was spiralling out of control.

They _have to_ survive.

Like they always do.

…

Later, half way to Polly's, the check nestled neatly in her jacket pocket, she tries to remember what life was like before Alex and it's nothing but a collection of shadows and sepia and all she wants to do is curl up in a ball and cry, sob until there's nothing left and repent to everything unholy for being _this_ person.

But even now, she can't bring herself to shred the check.

So she drops Olivia off at Polly's, tells her she'll be back in a couple of hours and then she calls Alex from the car.

…

It barely rings once before the brunette answers, her voice sounds oddly hollow, but not angry or upset, just spent and it makes Piper's insides feel like jelly. And the blonde doesn't say hello or ask her how she is, instead she asks her a simple question, one she's banking on the answer to.

'We're for keeps, aren't we?'

Her voice sounds so small and childlike, so _un-Piper_ that a wave of fear washes over the brunette.

'What's happened?'

 _Silence._

'Piper?' she's getting shrill now and in a cruel sort of way, Piper is taking comfort from it, because it shows just how fragile Alex can be and just how much _this_ matters, how much _Piper_ matters.

'What's going on?' she adds, words urgent, breath short.

'I've found a way to fix this,' she finally says, drawing out the word fix, for her own benefit as much as Alex's, after all that's what she's done, found a practical solution to an urgent issue.

'Fix what?'

'The money for the treatment…I've got it….'

Alex laughs, a release of sorts and it lightens the mood ever so slightly. 'What, you rob a bank or something?'

Piper doesn't reply, allowing a thick silence to settle, like the first snowfall of winter- unexpectedly ferocious, as the realisation dawns on the brunette.

'You went to see your parents.'

It's not even a question, it's a bullet of a statement-short, designed to cause maximum collateral damage, she just hopes that the collateral isn't going to be _them._

'Yes I did…but….'

'You did the _one_ thing you knew would piss me off the most.'

But Piper is only half listening, because she needs to get the explanation out as quickly as possible, while it's still fresh in her mind. 'It's just a loan,' she says, as if she hasn't heard Alex, 'we pay it back whenever we can, so we don't technically _owe_ them anything, if _that's_ what you're worried about.'

Alex is trapped between a venomous anger and a crippling sort of hurt, because Piper has failed to understand what this is really about, to grasp the very essence of _why_ this is so problematic for her and that's why her heart feels like it's jack knifing its way up her throat.

'I told you already I would fix it, Charlie is going to give me shifts.'

But it's a pointless statement, because it's too late for all of that now, the current has taken them, so their drifting further apart, nowhere to moor.

'But don't you see Al,' Piper continues brightly, her voice an eerie juxtaposition to the glowering clouds outside, 'this way, you don't have to bust your ass at _some_ bar, you can focus on building your business back up, help your mom out while she's still recovering from her fall and….' She stops _just_ short of what she wants to say, but the silence does it for her anyway.

'The baby,' Alex says, almost to herself, 'the goddamn baby.'

'Don't say it like that,' Piper replies, desperately trying to bat away any hurt from creeping into her voice, after all, she's not sure she's earned the right to it.

But Alex isn't in the mood to play nice, to tone down her natural born asshole, not tonight.

'And what if there is _no_ baby Piper, you ever thought of that? Were you just going to return, cap in hand to Mamma and Papa Chapman, until eventually, by sheer force of nature, you got pregnant? What a way to welcome the kid into the world, hey there bud, we're your moms, we haven't got a house or food, but don't worry, it's all ok, cause we spent thousands and thousands of dollars to get you.' She pauses, trying to catch her breath, words hissing and spitting, causing tiny ruptures through the plastic silence of the phone line.

'You're not being fair,' Piper says eventually, trying to be reasonable, but sounding like a petulant child instead.

And Alex laughs and it's cold and sardonic and it's only then that the _real_ fear begins to creep over Piper, settling like a second skin.

'Alex…' she breathes, 'please….' but the line has gone dead.


	4. Chapter 4

_**AN: Hello lovely people, thank you so much for all the reviews and follows and all that gubbins. As ever, much appreciated.**_

 _ **This is probably going to be the last chapter for a short while as I'm away, but I'll try and get back to it as speedily as I can.**_

 _ **Thank you to 'imissedyourpatronage' for various bits and pieces.**_

 _ **In the meantime, enjoy and let me know what you think.**_

…

She calls Alex back, but on each occasion her cell slides into voicemail and by the sixth time, the pre-recorded robot voice _almost_ makes Piper scream.

In her mind, Alex's pride has wedged them into a corner, the buoyancy with which she had left Carol and Bill's, all but snuffed out.

She slams her hands against the steering wheel, threads of frustration being woven into something firmer, more tangible and _dangerous_.

And now her mind is freewheeling and she's tempted to leave a message on the brunette's cell after all, the sort of rambling chaos that only exacerbates arguments, drags them kicking and screaming across the line from problematic to irreparable.

And the rational part of her, the one that knows how hard they've worked to get here, is shrieking at her to stop, bargaining with her, pleading for calm ( _she can make Alex understand, they love each other too much to let this get in the way)_. But as she stares at her reflection in the rear view mirror, there's a flash of something in her eyes she hasn't seen in such a long time, she barely recognises it any more.

 _Visceral hurt._

The type of pain that scars beyond blood and flesh and bone and so she redials, tapping impatiently on the stick shift until the beep rings through her skull; her cue.

She starts of gingerly, voice a little wobbly, unsure of the _exact_ path the message is going to take; 'it's me…but I guess you already knew that since you're clearly screening all of my calls.' She pauses, her bones feel heavier than they did this morning and her heart a swollen messy mass and she wonders why things cannot ever be easy for them and the injustice of it all makes her shift in her seat and loosen the valve on her thoughts a little more.

'I never did any of this to hurt you Alex, you _must_ know that,' and if she doesn't well Piper isn't sure where they could possibly go from here and that frustrates her even more.

'This isn't just about you and me…' she continues, changing tack, raising her a voice a little, to combat the noise of the fat raindrops, presently pelting the car and the whooshing of sticky car tyres driving through muddy puddles, 'don't you think Liv would like a brother or sister too?'

And she pauses again, just about biting back what she _really_ wants to say. 'We can work something out Al, I know we can, just please…don't rule this out….okay?' And the silence is oddly comforting, because there's no push back and she quite likes it here, hiding out amongst the nothingness of it all, it makes her thoughts freer her tongue looser, her anger more vibrant.

'It's not fair,' she says with more bite than she had intended, 'you did this with Celeste's money and now you're doing it again…' And it feels good, to unshackle herself in this way, for something that has tucked itself away in her mind, to be freed at last.

'It's downright fucking selfish in fact,' she continues, as rain slashes at the windscreen, wind blowing burnished autumn leaves along the sidewalk. Across the street she watches a woman struggle with an umbrella that's blown inside out, and with a bitterness she wouldn't care to acknowledge in the cold light of day, she notices the world around her moving on, regardless of her pain and that's the final straw.

'You want me to be angry? Well guess what? I'm _really_ fucking angry, because I love you Alex, I love you and I fucking hate you.' And then she hangs up, exits the car and stands in the fall rain, hoping for an odd sort of salvation, but it's colder than she thought and so all it does is numb her bones, but she'll take that for now.

It's a victory of sorts.

…

Olivia murmurs sleepily against her neck, something about fairies and goblins and Piper clutches her tighter to her chest, a sudden pang of love ripping through her.

She fumbles around with the keys in the dark, trying to juggle the weight of her daughter and her bag. When she does finally get the door open, the whole apartment is bathed in darkness and it's barely a second before she's imagining the worst; Alex on a trail of destruction, holed up in some trashy bar in the part of town parents tell their children to avoid. And her mind traces it's steps back over the voicemail message and her gut contorts painfully.

'Momma,' Oliva says, all sleepy and soft, shifting her head slightly against Piper's shoulder.

She takes her straight up to bed, leaving the night light on, casting pale blue refractions of stars that are just out of reach and of a moon just imperfect enough to be pretty. 'Sleep tight,' she whispers into the still.

…

She calls Diane from the hallway, sat on the floor, back pressed against the cold bare wall. She tries to sound casual, as if panic isn't threatening to submerge her, as if she's not lost amongst the rubble of a quarrel that goes further than heat of the moment words and petty jibes.

She tells Piper she's feeling better, the doctors are pleased with the way her hip is healing and she should be fully mended by Christmas. And then she pauses, as if she knows Piper is waiting to ask her something else. But it turns out she hasn't seen Alex all day and now Piper's mind is whirring like a crazy carousel of words, smudging into one, bleak line.

'You two ok?' Diane says and Piper lies, like her life depends on it, like she's been taught how to do since she was old enough to understand the power of deception versus the truth. And then she hangs up, her throat tight, head pounding.

'You're back,' she says from the doorway of the kitchen.

 _Alex!_

'You're here!' Piper says scrambling up from the floor. Her first instinct is to rush over to the brunette, to hold her tight, but she stops short, because Alex's gaze won't meet hers and Piper's mouth suddenly feels dry.

'Nothing to say?' Alex continues, 'funny, because on your message, you had _plenty_ to tell me.'

The edges of her words are liquid and Piper knows why.

'You've been drinking,' the blonde says and she's not even sure why she's said it out loud, because this is surely only adding fuel to the fire.

'Fuck you,' Alex says, turning back towards the kitchen, swallowed up by the shadows. Piper follows her inside, closing the door behind them.

The blinds haven't been drawn and shafts of light from the street lamps illuminate the messy worktops.

'Sorry I didn't tidy up,' Alex says, her eyes following Piper's, but her tone indicates she's anything but apologetic, as the words escape in a sort of muted snarl.

She refills her glass with more whiskey. 'Don't worry,' she says holding the bottle aloft, 'I haven't been spending baby money, this was from last Christmas, a gift from Mama and Papa Chapman,' she takes another gulp and then slumps down at the dining table, her face seemingly siphoned in two by the juxtaposition of the moonlight and shade and it reminds Piper of a Picasso painting they saw in Madrid and the word traitor lodges in her throat.

'I heard you come in…' Alex says, her finger tracing the rim of the tumbler, 'but you know what Piper, it's taken me all of forty five minutes to be able to bring myself to be in the same room as you, because you know what I've been thinking all evening?'

Piper doesn't reply, she's not sure Alex is really even asking a question.

'How can someone who is supposed to love me, do the _one_ thing they know is going to hurt me.'

Piper shakes her head, 'you're being ridicoulous, you're acting as though I've cheated on you or something, I was just finding a solution.' And there's that word again, the one that fits so neatly into her own version of events, makes them more palatable.

'And you know what I concluded?' Alex continues, as if she hasn't heard the blonde. 'That maybe, I'm not enough for you, that even Olivia isn't enough to fill that _gaping chasm.'_ She spits the last two words like they're shrapnel, coming straight for Piper.

'You're so wrong,' Piper says, not knowing where to begin with any of this.

'Am I ? Or maybe you just can't bear to face up to the truth.' She stands up abruptly, as if Piper's proximity to her is no longer tolerable. The chair legs scrape along the wooden floor, awkwardly, like a strangled scream. She walks over to the window, slipping out of the doors and onto the small balcony overlooking the street below.

'Al, it's raining,' Piper says standing in the doorway, you'll catch a cold, come back inside…'

'I thought we'd be enough…' Alex says, almost to herself…but you always need to have a cause, or some other escape hatch.'

'What?' Piper says, eyes wide, wishing she had taken a shot of liquor herself, to make everything hazier, warmer, but instead she finds herself more alert than she should be, being peppered with ammunition she's not equipped to deal with; the truth.

'You could have just chosen to focus on us, _our_ family, but instead you have to go do something else…typical fucking Piper.' Her head whips around, regards the blonde keenly, willing a reaction and she finally gets one, boy does she get one.

'You know what Alex? Fuck you!'

'Fuck me?' Alex scoffs.

'Yes, fuck _you_. Don't act like I just dropped this idea on you, like it's some crazy thing i've cobbled together off the cuff, don't you dare fucking make it out to be _that_.' She's on a roll now, it feels easy really, not holding back, her shoulders lighter somehow. 'If you didn't want to have another baby, why didn't you say at the beginning?'

It's a fair question and Alex knows the answer. But instead she says nothing, biting back the fear and loathing and everything in-between.

'I can't do this, we're getting nowhere,' Piper says running a hand through her hair, 'why can't you just meet me half-way?' she says, fists clenched at her side in frustration, ' _you_ lost the money and _I've_ found a way around that, so why do I feel like the bad guy?'

And the truth is out there, laid bare before them both, nowhere to hide. And Alex should say something, anything, but she can't quite manage to bring the words to her lips.

And then Olivia's silhouette catches her eye and they both slip back inside the apartment, a different face for _this_ situation.

'Hey kiddo, you ok?' Alex says, the hard lines of her face softening, as she heaves Olivia up into her arms. Her hair is all mussed up and she's clutching the bear that Cal and Neri gave her in her left hand.

'I had a bad dream'…she tails off rubbing her eye. 'Can I sleep with you tonight momma?'

Alex glances over at Piper, 'just take her into our bed, I'll sleep in her room,' Piper says, relieved of the short reprieve a child's nightmare has given them. Alex doesn't argue, she feels her chest muscles relax a little at the thought of putting some distance between them for tonight, to not have to sleep back to back with a constant reminder of how she's fucked up.

'Night then,' she says turning to face Piper.

'Night,' Piper says, offering a diluted smile.

…

Alex wakes to get a drink of water, her head throbbing violently. But the house feels oddly alive, a tentative heartbeat palpable and so she feels more alert than she would like.

She pauses outside Olivia's bedroom, pale blue light filtering through the crack in the door and she's not sure if it's because Piper's just as restless as her, or if she's fallen asleep reading and left the night light on.

And there's an ache in her arms to reach out to her, to try and repair this before the cracks set in and so she takes a step towards the door, thinking of Olivia and last Christmas when they'd watched the Wizard of Oz and Piper had drunk too much eggnog and wine and gotten tipsy, making silly faces as they all sung along to Johnny Mathis. She'd looked younger some how, sat under the soft filter of fairy lights, more vulnerable.

But the lens of time has a habit of distorting things and Alex doesn't feel sure of anything any more.

'Al? Is that you?' Her voice is a little unsteady, but far from sleepy and for a second, Alex is tempted to turn back to their bedroom, the comfort of silence her only companion, but it's too late for that really, she knows it.

She pushes the door slightly further ajar and slips inside the room. Piper is propped up in bed, a book lying face down on her lap. Alex immediately recognises it. 'You still trying to read Proust?' she says softly, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth and Piper lets out a chuckle and it already feels much better than it did a few hours ago.

'I enjoy a challenge,' she says, placing the book on the nightstand. 'And what's not to like? It's about growing up and art and love,' she pauses, holds Alex's gaze for a short while, flecks of blue, vibrant suddenly, as if they've taken on new life.

'If a challenge is what you want, why not help Liv with her math homework?' Alex grins.

Piper shakes her head, 'no, we both know who the math genius is out of the two of us.'

'I think genius may be stretching it a bit babe.' And they both laugh and it feels nice and normal, like they can finally breath again.

But they're never too far away from the shadow that's the problem and so when Piper says, 'about earlier,' it's with a heavy trepidation that they both enter the conversation.

'I just don't want us to regret this Alex, I'm not far away from 40 and you know what they say about the increased risks of pregnancy past that point…I'm not sure that if we wait, that I'll even be able to get pregnant and we do want another child don't we?'

 _We._

'I want us to be happy,' Alex replies, knowing that this isn't the answer that Piper wants, knowing that this can't be the response that Piper _needs_. But it's the truth and that's all she's got right now.

'We _are_ happy, but who says there's a limit to happiness?'

'Another baby won't make us happy Piper,' the brunette says turning away, 'not like this.'

Piper climbs out of bed, 'listen to me,' she says, tugging on Alex's arm, forcing the brunette to make eye contact with her. And Alex can't help but think how oddly perfect she looks, in her mis-matched pyjamas, hair delicately framing her face, but even now, the fear is tormenting her and a knot of dread coils itself in the pit of her stomach, because they need to make a choice, but she's not sure if they'll survive it.

'Just give me 18 months, Charlie has said I can have as many shifts as I can handle and I'll get the business back up and running, we can review it then, just not now Pipes….why can't you get that? I want more than that for our kids…for Olivia….'

But Piper isn't listening, she's throwing figures around, each of them going off like a small hand grenade. 'You blew $40,000…on the deposit, $100,000 worth of stock lost…and now _I've_ done something to get the money and you won't support me?' Her face is flushed, eyes wild, 'what about _me_?!' And she says the last word with such vehemence that for a second, Alex loses all track of her bearings. But then Piper is turning away, sitting herself on the edge of the bed, exhaustion and frustration tangled together.

'I can't carry on like this,' she says, her voice harder.

'What?' Alex replies. She slides onto the bed next to blonde, takes her hand, but it feels unfamiliar, wrong somehow. 'So there's a fork in the road Pipes, we just need to decide which way we need to go, don't we?'

But she's met with nothing more than silence and she figures, in a way, that _is_ her answer.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: So, I know this is heavy going in terms of the angst, but I guess this is still in foundation laying territory in terms of the story, because I think this is going to be a longish fic, so I promise it won't be unrelenting angst (even I'm not that cruel…am I?).**

 **Don't forget, at the end of Winter's Shadow, Polly was pregnant again, so part of this follows on from there.**

 **Anyhow, here is chapter 5, please do leave your thoughts, they're always very interesting to read.**

 **Enjoy.**

…

They've been sitting awkwardly in Polly's dining room for the last half hour, both of them pointedly ignoring the one thing that's most prominent, Polly's burgeoning pregnancy bump.

Eventually, after they're done with small talk about how nice the tea is ( _it was a gift from Pete's mother, she hates coffee)_ and how the weather is ridiculously cold for October, Polly broaches the subject.

'Listen Pipes, I know you said Alex doesn't want to budge on this second kid thing, but maybe if you give her some time….' She pauses for a second and tries to think of something less clichéd to say. 'I mean she was hesitant before you had Olivia and now, well I doubt she could imagine life without her.' She smiles, softly, reaches across the table and gives the blonde's hand a squeeze. 'I'm _sure_ you can work things out.'

Piper doesn't have the heart to tell her friend that for the last week, both she and Alex have been acting as though the issue doesn't even exist. Skirting around the apartment as if the other is some sort of spectral conjuring that cannot be touched, Olivia's continued nightmares providing them with respite from trying to sleep in the same bed, the scarlet moon looming heavy.

Piper shakes her head, 'not this time Pol….it's the money thing…you know what Al is like about that, she only accepted my grandmother's money because we agreed to put it into a trust fund for Olivia.'

Polly laughs, 'Alex Vause with a trust fund kid, who'd have thought it?'

' _Not_ funny Pol…' Piper says shooting her a glare.

'I'm _kidding_ Pipes, come on, it's not like you to throw the towel in.'

Piper could tell her that it runs much deeper than that, that she's scared if she pushes _too_ hard, it will snap the backbone of them irreparably. But worse than that, it's something she occasionally allows herself to free from the deepest recesses of her mind, late at night, when she's watching the blue constellations thrown up by Olivia's nightlight- that she's not sure what she'd be more willing to sacrifice, another baby, or Alex.

The shame of the thought pricks at her face, causing her cheeks to flush. She takes another sip of tea, hoping it will distract Polly and if her friend notices she certainly doesn't say anything.

'Why don't you guys come over for dinner this weekend? I know Pete would like that,' she says hopefully.

'I'll let you know,' Piper says, grabbing her bag to leave, but she already knows what Alex's answer will be.

…

It's her first day at the bar and the temporary manager, Rochelle, is showing Alex the ropes. She looks old enough to be street smart, but young enough to carry off the bright pink undercut.

'Nice ink,' Alex says, pointing to the serpent that's wrapped around the full length of Rochelle's right arm.

'Thanks,' she says smiling warmly, 'I designed it myself, it's supposed to represent the sin of man…you know, serpent, Garden of Eden and stuff?'

'Stuff? That doesn't sound very biblical.'

Rochelle chuckles, 'well my folks were super religious, lots of people are in St. Cloud,' she pauses, opens the office door and let's them both in. 'I don't like to over think these things too much, but I like the idea of the serpent,' she says flicking the lights on.

'You know, I always liked the name St. Cloud, it sounds sweet, in a fairy tale kinda way,' Alex says.

Rochelle laughs, 'trust me, _that_ is not how I would describe it, that's why I moved to New York.'

'Big fish in a small pond huh?'

'Something like that,' she smiles. She unlocks a large filing cabinet and pulls out a chunky folder, papers sandwiched between it. 'Invoices,' she says, dumping the file on the table with a loud thud.

'Great,' Alex deadpans.

'What about you?' Rochelle says leaning against the desk, 'what's your story? Born and bred New Yorker? Single? Married? Other?'

'Yes to the first question, other to the second.'

'Interesting, care to elaborate?'

'I have a girlfriend….'

'Cool, she got a name this girlfriend?'

'Piper,' Alex says, thinking how much easier the name used to slip off her tongue.

'Cute, you been together long?'

'A while,' Alex says, picking up the file, 'guess we should make a start on these?' She figures that changing the subject is the safest bet for now, after all, work is the one place she feels as though she can get some reprieve from Piper and the _guilt_.

'Sure,' Rochelle says pulling out a chair. 'Let's do this.'

…

By the time Alex arrives home from work, Olivia is already in bed and Piper is clearing away the dishes from dinner.

'Hey,' Alex says, placing her keys on the kitchen counter-top, the television dancing with re-runs of Frasier in the relative gloom. 'Maybe you want to flick another light or two on, or is this your idea of cost saving?'

It's supposed to be a joke, but as soon as the words have escaped her mouth, she immediately regrets saying them, of pointing Piper back to the very _unfunny,_ very _real_ issue of their finances.

But Piper doesn't react. 'I've saved you some chicken, it's in the fridge.'

'Thanks,' Alex replies, feeling anything but hungry. 'Liv okay?'

'Uh huh,' Piper says, turning her back to Alex, so she's stood in front of the sink, 'I put her down in our room,' and suddenly the word 'our' is all jagged edges; contentious and fraught. 'I'll sleep in…'

'…Liv's room…' Alex interrupts, unable to stop a tinge of bitterness from seeping into her words, but it gets Piper's attention, in a way that Alex isn't even sure she wanted.

Piper whips her head around, blue eyes flashing, 'don't say it like that.'

'Like what?'

'Like this is my fault, like I'm the one responsible for this….this…. _mess._ ' She wipes her hands on a dishcloth and takes a step towards Alex, 'just… _don't_.'

There's a clear warning in the tone and maybe earlier in the week, Alex would have just let it go, but the buzz of the bar is still prickling her skin and she's feeling a little restless, so she decides to bite.

'Mess? Is that my new name these days?'

'Al just leave it.' Piper says, her words are firm, clipped even, but Alex isn't in the mood to stop, not tonight.

'You didn't answer my question.'

'It doesn't warrant a response and keep your voice down, Olivia has school tomorrow, I don't want to wake her.'

'Gee Pipes, thanks for telling me our daughter's schedule, like I haven't been part of it for the last _six_ fucking years.'

'I can't speak to you when you're like this,' Piper says turning away again, 'I'm going to bed.'

Alex almost barks a laugh, 'of course, running away, that's what you do best..'

'I'm not taking the bait Al, play this silly game by yourself,' she says, grabbing the remote control and turning the television off.

'You go running off to your parents, to Polly, to whoever the fuck and _I'm_ the one that's being unreasonable?'

'You know what Alex, maybe if you stopped playing the martyr for one fucking second, you'd realise that the world and his fucking wife isn't out to get you, in fact you know what? I even had Polly trying to convince me how reasonable you were earlier.'

'Polly?' Alex says momentarily stunned.

'Yes _Polly_ , she invited us to dinner this weekend, but that isn't going to happen…'

'We can go….' Alex begins, 'why wouldn't I want to?'

'For fuck's sake Alex!' Piper says flinging the remote control across the room, so it smashes into a wall, plastic splintering on to the floor, 'have you ever thought I might not want to, that it might be really fucking hard for me to see her right now?!.'

Her eyes are ablaze, breath ragged and Alex can't quite remember a time she's seen her like this before.

Alex glances towards the room where Olivia is sleeping, listening for any sound, but none is forthcoming. 'And you were worried _I_ was going to wake her?'

'Great, so now you're keeping tally of who fucks up when?'

'What? No! Don't be ridiculous and what do you mean we're not going to Polly's, what's so hard about that?' she says, brow furrowed in confusion. And then it hits her all at once, a bleak realisation, 'because she's pregnant…'

Piper sighs, running a hand through her hair…'I just can't do this right now…it's not good for either of us or Olivia…' And then there's a silence, the sort of heavy nothingness that resides right before a crack of lightening.

'So? What does that mean?' Alex says, already fully aware of the answer, but wanting the finality of hearing Piper actually deliver words.

'Maybe I should go and stay with my parents for a little while…allow the dust to settle…'

'The dust? You mean me?'

Piper shakes her head, 'no, not entirely…'

'But mainly.'

'Al….please don't make this any harder for me….' Her eyes are glassy now, voice thick with sobs that are yet to come.

And for a second, neither of them knows what to say; the worst sort of impasse.

In the hushed dark like this, Piper feels easier to love somehow, easy to pull close and promise everything to and Alex only wishes she was the sort of person that could do that, but it goes deeper than money and status…she's scared she's never going to be enough for the blonde, that _she_ is the thing that Piper needs constant distraction from.

'I'll go and pack an overnight bag, I'll collect Liv in the morning for school and get the rest of my stuff then.' She's back on autopilot now, being calm and rational and Alex can't quite fathom what's happened in the space of mere minutes, as she's stood amongst the shards of a former life.

'I need my car keys,' Piper says, mumbling to herself, as she rifles through some drawers until she finally finds them. 'I'll call you tomorrow,' she says, pushing past Alex to leave, hoping to sever the conversation for tonight at least. But the suddenness of her worst nightmare coming to fruition, has rendered Alex leaden, rooted to the spot.

'No, Piper,' she says, green eyes wide with pain, with frustration and anger, 'Don't you go! Don't you fucking leave me!'

'I can't do this right now,' Piper says, still unable to look at the brunette, 'it's too fucking hard Alex and I don't want to end up hating you, for you to become someone I can't even bear to be in the same room with, why can't you see that?'

She turns around, takes a few steps back towards the brunette and for a second, there's a chink of light, a hope blooming where Alex has no right to expect it.

'I'm sorry,' Piper mouths, the words searing through skin and hitting bone.

And for the first time in as long as she can remember, Alex Vause has run out of fight, run out of the will to see past the swirling darkness in her mind. And so she slumps down on the couch, watching the shadows cast by the scarlet moon and waiting for night to pass.

…

She dreams of St. Cloud.

Of the ocean and the salty breeze.

They take a boat out in the early evening and watch the tangerine sun dissolve into the horizon and she hears Piper laugh, like she used to in the old days and there's something so magical and melodious about it that it makes her heart hurt.

'Maybe this is where dreams are made?' Piper says looking out across the water. It's eerily still, not even a murmur of a ripple.

'What? St. Cloud?' Alex can hear herself saying and then Piper turns to her, ready to reply, blue flecks dancing against the ocean backdrop.

But then the sky cracks in two and suddenly they're enveloped in a fearsome inferno and Alex can't help but think how easy it is, how there's a delicious sort of calmness in letting go.

A triumphant finality.

And when she wakes, it's dawn and there's a coldness that's chilling her beyond flesh and all she can do is hope it will pass.


	6. Chapter 6

_**AN: Bloody hell, quite a reaction to that chapter then! What with threats about ditching the story if Piper gets knocked up by Larry and suggesting that she may have psychological issues for seeking support from her parents, I have no idea where to begin! Haha!**_

 _ **The Larry thing left me very baffled, because I had no intention of writing him in the story, so I wasn't sure why people kept involving him in all these bizarre scenarios and then I realised I had added him into the character list in the synopsis by mistake. So that has been amended.**_

 _ **As for all the other stuff about how they don't love each other, I've said it in an earlier chapter and I'll say it again, relationships are not black and white. And the issue that Piper is having right now, is something that someone I know has been through and for me, it's very interesting to write about; the push and pull and everything in-between.**_

 _ **Anyway, this is the last I'm going to say on it. It's only 5 chapters in, so it would be nice if some readers could have a little faith.**_

 _ **So here's Chapter 6 (hopefully less people will be seeking therapy after this one!)**_

 _ **Enjoy and thoughts are of course, graciously accepted.**_

…

It's been nearly a week since she's moved out of the apartment and her contact with Alex has been sporadic, mainly focusing on arrangements regarding their daughter; the practicalities of life.

On day three, she asks her mother if she can give her a ride to the fertility clinic, because Piper's own car has a flat tyre. And to the blonde's surprise, Carol asks to speak with her.

'This sounds ominous,' Piper jokes, as they take a seat on the couch, but Carol's disposition is anything but jovial.

'I suppose you could say it is in a way,' she begins, fingers playing with the string of pearls around her neck. 'I'll get to the point, I don't think either of us are fans of needless waffling.' She swallows hard, 'I don't think it's right that you're doing any of this without Alex.' And then Carol pauses and Piper cannot remember a single other occasion that her mother has come to Alex's aid in this way and that hurts, maybe more than she'd care to admit, because where is the loyalty?

'Nice to know where your support lies,' Piper says 'and that you think _so_ little of me.'

Carol sighs. 'Piper, relationships are hard work, god knows I have first hand experience of that,' she says looking away momentarily and the blonde guesses she's recalling Bill's infidelity. 'But you can't go ahead and make unilateral calls on things like _this_. You just can't,' she continues, shaking her head.

And for the first time in a while, Piper notices just how much Carol has aged, there's no veneer of make up early in the morning, or gin induced smiles and it scares her a little, the impact of time and the fragility of life.

'I don't know what it is you think I'm doing….'

'I think you're sacrificing your relationship for some unknown quantity, for something that may not even come to fruition, _that's_ what I think you're doing. Now go ahead, tell me I'm wrong.' Her mouth is pulled into a thin-lipped grimace, as if she's expecting the worst.

And again Piper finds herself agitated, for being painted as the bad guy.

'You know Alex and I had discussed this endlessly for 18 months before we decided to go ahead and try for another baby don't you? This wasn't just _me_ going off on a whim, thinking about my own needs. We decided this _together,_ taking into account our careers, Olivia….our finances…' she tails off at the last word, the pain still fresh.

'But people change Piper, feelings…well they can be fluid…and when you asked us for the money, we had assumed that you'd discussed it with her first.'

'Wow, are _you_ seriously offering me relationship counselling right now?' Piper says, unable to keep her temper in check for any longer. 'Because guess what mom, I've got news for you, you're not the greatest role model.'

She stands up suddenly and begins pacing the floor, as if the confines of the room can barely contain her. 'All I did was find a solution to the problem-the money, what is so wrong about that?'

'Do you need me to spell it out?'

It's a silly question really, because of course she doesn't, not really, but part of her, the part she's not fond of most of the time, the part that isn't for public consumption, is really clinging on to a fibre of hope, a tendril of light. And she knows that isn't fair to expect this of Alex, after all, the planes of _her_ life have shifted just as suddenly, but almost overnight her planned future has been set ablaze and it feels like she's barely had a minute to wrap her head around it.

'Since when did you become team Vause anyway?' she says, but her words are softer around the earth dges now, voice gentler, as if it's just a polite enquiry rather than a rebuff.

'Don't be ridiculous, this isn't about sides, Piper, but she makes you happy and she makes Olivia downright ecstatic, why would we be averse to that?'

'But daddy..?'

'Your father is more old fashioned than me I suppose, but neither of us dislike Alex, it just took us a while to get used to the…..setup…..and perhaps any awkwardness is down to both sides, have you ever considered that?'

It's a reasonable enough statement Piper supposes, but it leaves her feeling even more vulnerable, exposed in a way that she hadn't envisaged, because everything she was so sure of, suddenly feels anything but solid.

'I was only going to ask the consultant how long he would recommend delaying the treatment for,' she finally says, staring out at the mottled sky, 'because of my age.' She stops short of saying anything else, her head suddenly feeling a little light.

'Okay then,' Carol says standing up, 'what time's the appointment?'

…

The Halloween party is Polly's idea ( _the kids will enjoy it and maybe you could crack a smile for the first time this month too?)._ So Piper concedes, knowing that Olivia always enjoys getting dressed up.

She picks out a T-Rex outfit and spends most of the car journey back from the store practising her best dinosaur growl. 'Momma, what did dinosaurs used to eat?' she asks, after she's been thinking about it for a while.

'Lot's of things baby, like plants and….'

'PB & J?'

Piper laughs, 'maybe not that…no.'

'Oh,' she says frowning, 'well I don't want to eat plants,'

'No?' Piper says, toying with her.

'No, they're yukky!'

'Well how do you know if you haven't tried them?'

'I can tell, Miss. Noble says I'm clever, so I _know.'_ And she says it with such certainty that Piper is taken aback by her self-assuredness for a second.

'Alright then smarty pants, I'll take your word for it. You just keep practicing your growl okay?'

Olivia nods, making louder, more animated sounds and in a strange sort of way, Piper finds herself envious of the little girl, the ease with which she can lose herself in a fantasy world.

…

They drive to Polly's to help set up the party and Olivia immediately races upstairs to show Finn her Halloween costume.

'Looks like _someone's_ excited, Polly says grinning.

They fill a bowl full of water for apple bobbing and Piper hangs some paper bats and ghouls from the ceiling, all the while trying to avoid glancing at Polly's pregnancy bump, chastising herself at the same time, for being so weak, so obviously _human_.

They lay out food and drink in the kitchen, cookies shaped like monsters, cupcakes with sugar maggots, Pumpkin pie and punch laced with rum.

'Gotta have some incentive for the adults,' Polly says adding a dash more booze, shame I can't partake.'

'It will be worth it,' Piper says, smiling a little _too_ hard.

By the time they've finished loading up party bags for the kids and dumping a final bag of candy into a hollowed out pumpkin, it's almost time for the party to begin.

'Hey, I've kinda got something to tell you,' Polly says, sipping orange juice and looking sheepish.

'Let me guess,' Piper says, 'you're planning on mentally scarring us by dressing Pete up as a fairy godmother.'

'Funny,' Polly says, slapping her friend's arm, 'but it's about Alex.'

Piper's stomach immediately churns at the name, she'd hoped this could be an evening where she'd get mildly drunk and eat Pumpkin pie without having to think about _that_. '

What about her?' she says, her voice a little wobbly.

'I invited her tonight.'

'Oh,' Piper replies, not knowing what else to say.

'I just think you guys need to try and enjoy being with each other again.'

'And you think soggy pie crust and rum punch is going to do that?'

'Well, there are probably worst catalysts.'

'Hmmm.'

'What does that mean?'

Piper sighs, running a hand through her hair, 'I don't know Pol, maybe you're right, I mean back in the beginning, we used to spend hours with each other, no television, no music….nothing but the sound of each others voices.'

The realisation is so sudden, it makes her chest feel tight, as if the breath has suddenly been snatched away from her and her mind flits back to the strip of photo booth pictures she still keeps in her purse, from their first fall together when they'd visited Staten Island and Piper had pulled a sickie at work. 'I like corrupting you,' Alex had whispered against her cheek as they'd stood waiting for the pictures to be dispensed.

'Maybe I'm just _letting_ you think that,' Piper had grinned, 'maybe _I'm_ the one that's been in control all along.'

'Maybe,' Alex had replied. And they'd made out, lost in the moment, until a couple of kids had yelled at them to get a room and they'd broken their embrace, giggling like giddy teenagers.

The memory knifes its way out of the shadows and lodges at the forefront of her mind: inconveniently _real._

'So maybe you need to get back to that again? Take everything else out of the equation….'

Piper opens her mouth to protest at the _everything_.

'Just for now, to get things back on track', Polly says, before the blonde has a chance to interrupt, 'I mean you guys still love each other don't you?'

And this is the _one_ thing that Piper can answer with absolute certainty, so much so, she can't quite believe that the question is being asked of her in the first place. After all, Alex cannot doubt that? A crimson shadow flits across her mind at the thought.

'Yes…' she says, almost to herself and then again, firmer, as if she's gained some traction, finally found some solid footing. 'Of course we do.'

Polly smiles, 'so do something about this then Pipes…because I for one can't deal with your miserable face for much longer.'

'Gee thanks, you're a solid pal you know?'

'I do try,' she laughs, just as the hum of the front door buzzer kicks in.

…

Half an hour in, there's a smattering of guests milling about the house. Screams of delight are coming from the corner of the living room where the children are being supervised by Pete, as the play pin the vertebrae on the skeleton.

Heather, whose daughter Lucy is in the same class as Finn, advises Polly that some of the other kids who are invited may not be attending. It turns out that Lucy's friend, Sophie, has contracted chicken pox and passed it on to some of the others.

'It's ok though,' Heather says, smiling assuredly, 'Lucy had it when she was two, so she's clear,' but it doesn't stop Polly shooting paranoid glances towards the girl all evening.

The punch is good and strong and Piper is on her third glass, a halo she stole from Polly atop her head ( _really Pipes,_ _ **you're**_ _the angelic one out of the two of us?)._ And for the first time in a long while, she almost feels as if everything is bearable, warmer somehow as she's slumped in the corner of the couch, zoning out Heather's latest monologue about non GMO produce in school meals.

 _Hey._

She knows the voice immediately and it draws everything into sharp focus once more. She looks up, Alex is stood in front of her in a pair of black cat ears, a matching tail protruding from behind her. And it's such a bizarre image, a stark juxtaposing compared to what has happened over the last few weeks, that Piper finds herself bursting into laughter.

The group of women Heather has been talking to immediately look up, exchanging strange glances as Piper's laughter becomes more raucous, 'your tail,' she manages before she breaks into a fresh wave of giggles.

'Steady there Pipes,' Alex says, 'you're kinda drawing attention to my ass in a way I'm not sure I'm comfortable with,' but she's sort of chuckling too and it feels so nice, that in a way, neither of them want it to stop.

'Maybe we should get you some fresh air huh?' Alex finally says, helping the blonde to her feet.

…

They sit on Polly's porch, staring at the gaudily decorated house across the street. 'Those are some creepy ass decorations,' Alex says pointing to the skull whose mouth periodically opens and spits out blood.

'Well not everyone can pull off being a giant pussy,' Piper says, her eyes glinting against the inky sky.

'Say pussy again,' Alex grins.

Piper shakes her head, 'I'm not _that_ drunk.'

'Shame,' Alex replies, 'and you're not an angel either,' she says, snatching the halo from Piper's head.

And they sit like that for a little while, shoulder to shoulder, the murmur of voices slipping through the crack in the door, offering a gentle soundtrack, until finally, Piper feels brave enough to rest her head against Alex's arm, half expecting her to flinch at her proximity.

She doesn't.

'Polly thinks we should date again,' she says suddenly, as if the thought has been bouncing around the walls of her brain and she can't contain it any longer.

'Date?'

'Well something like that, help to focus on us…get back on track.' She doesn't mention the baby, because like Polly said, it really doesn't have to figure, not for now at least.

'What, so you want me to come collect you from your parents, like we're going to prom or something?' Alex says laughs.

'Maybe.'

'Do I get the after prom perks?' she says raising an eyebrow.

But Piper isn't smiling anymore and Alex doesn't understand why, until the blonde turns to fully face her, looks her dead in the eye and tells her she loves her, but there's something different about it, a raw vulnerability, so that Alex finds herself momentarily out of her depth.

'You have to say it back,' Piper says after a few seconds and Alex smiles, says 'of course I do Pipes,' as if it's the most obvious thing in the world and Piper is wondering when they moved away from all of this, when everything became so tangled.

'So about this date,' Alex says, keen to keep the mood light, clinging on to the good vibes.

'Pick me up from my parents tomorrow at 8pm.'

'Where we going?' Alex says.

'Surprise me.' Comes the reply.


	7. Chapter 7

_**AN: Hello. So this chapter is a bit of a Winter's Shadow flashback (an extra track if you will). It's basically centred around the first 'friend' date Piper and Alex went on, tying in with Chapter 9 of WS and the 'friend,' lunches.**_

 _ **I hope you like it. Thank you once again for all your comments and follows etc, it really is much appreciated and the reviews are always an interesting read.**_

 _ **Anyhow, here is chapter 7.**_

 _ **Enjoy. Further thoughts welcome (of course).**_

…

 _Polly is looking at her as if she's just sprouted antlers and Piper is thinking maybe that would be preferable to sitting here, being bricked in by silence._

 _Finally, after she's taken a few more sips of wine, Polly shifts her position on the couch and offers a surly sort of shrug and Piper knows from years worth of experience, this is the worst kind of condemnation._

' _Really, that's it Pol, you're not gonna offer anything else?'_

' _Nope.'_

' _No judgemental speech, no prophetic warning,_ _ **nothing?'**_

' _Do you want me to do those things Pipes, because it kinda sounds like you do?'_

 _And Piper considers this for a second, that maybe she blurted all of this out because she_ _ **does**_ _want somebody to tell her what a dreadful idea this is, to tell her to focus on the good honest life that she's worked hard to cultivate over the years, to appreciate Larry more. But if she strips it away a little further, she knows that isn't the truth._

 _The sharing (Polly insists it's more of a confession) is because of the exhilaration that rips through her whenever she considers spending time with Alex and she can barely contain it for the most part._

 _Last weekend, after she'd left Alex's store, she'd sort of skipped part way down the street until her brain had caught up with her actions, abruptly halting her childish folly._

 _And that's the thing that's currently wedged in her brain-uncomfortably prevalent,_ _ **that**_ _feeling of giddy exuberance that Alex elicits from her._

' _Fine,' she says, refilling her own wine glass, 'we won't discuss it any further.' She snatches up 'House and Garden' from the coffee table and begins flipping through it pointedly._

' _Who died?' Pete says wandering in a few minutes later, a take out bag of Chinese food in each hand. And Piper is considering just how she can maintain an indignant silence whilst eating an egg roll._

' _Nobody honey,' Polly says attempting to gloss over the matter, 'why don't you leave the food with us and get going, aren't you already late to meet Richie and co?'_

' _I sense you're trying to get rid of me babe,' Pete says grinning._

' _You sense right,' Polly replies, taking the bags and busying herself with unpacking the cartons of food._

' _Alright,' he says, raising his hands aloft in mock surrender, 'just make sure you save me some.' He kisses Polly on the top of the head, tells them to be good and leaves just as suddenly as he had arrived._

' _Be good?' Piper says as soon as she hears the click of the front door latch, her brain attempting to fit jagged pieces of a puzzle together, 'what did he mean? Did you tell him something, about me and Alex?'_

 _And now her thoughts are floating through space, like fairy dust, nowhere to land, because what if any of this gets back to Larry?_

 _Polly hands her a plate of noodles, the smell of spiced steam filling the room pleasurably._

' _No I didn't tell him anything Piper and what is there to say exactly….about you…and Alex?' She pauses, waiting for Piper to fills in the gaps and_ _ **this**_ _time, it works._

 _Piper sighs. 'Okay, enough with this, I_ _ **do**_ _find her funny and clever and interesting, yes, but…'_

' _But nothing Pipes…this is exactly what I was afraid of.'_

' _What?'_

' _These…friend dates you've agreed to go on with her, I mean what does that even mean?'_

' _It means what it means,' Piper says averting her gaze, ignoring the fact that her stomach feels strange suddenly and she's being intentionally vague. 'We're friends,' she says, spearing her food with a zeal that isn't, strictly speaking, required._

' _Friends don't go on dates Pipes, because if they did, then you've been viewing our relationship_ _ **very**_ _differently to how I have over the years.'_

 _And they both chuckle and it softens the mood a little, enough for it to feel comfortable again at least._

 _They eat in silence for a while, only breaking it to make the odd remark about how tender the beef is, or how crispy the egg rolls are and when they're eventually done, plates pushed away in satisfaction, it's Polly that broaches the subject again._

' _I just don't want you to get hurt Pipes, that's all i'm saying…I mean Larry is a great guy.'_

 _Piper has lost count of the number of times she's heard this from people over the years and she half wonders if he should change his name- 'great guy Larry,' print up t-shirts and baseball caps with it emblazoned on the front, watch as people walk by and point and say, 'there's great guy Larry with that blonde,' and part of her wonders if they already do, if her own identity has sort of been absorbed into his over time._

 _She bites the inside of her cheek, chastising herself for being such a turncoat. After all, it wasn't that long ago that they were going to start a family together. The thought scissors it's way through her chest, as pristine white hospital walls come into sharp focus._

 _She can vaguely hear Polly continuing to champion Larry's cause, but it's as if she's underwater and everything has a heavy distortion to it and while Polly may be right (in part, she'll concede that) sometimes (and this is the thought she hasn't been able to shake out of her head recently) 'great' and 'nice' and' 'stable' could just be varnish, a duplicitous sheen, for boring, lack lustre…unfulfilling._

' _He is great, she finally says, funny and warm but,' she licks her lips, 'I want warm, but I also want_ _ **hot**_ _. I want fireworks. I want somebody I can have adventures with.'_

' _And that's Alex?' Polly replies._

' _I didn't say that.'_

' _You didn't have to Pipes.'_

…

 _Alex calls Piper just as the blonde is unlocking the bookstore._

' _Hey.'_

 _It's only one word, but it makes the sun feel warmer somehow, the sky brighter._

' _Hey.'_

' _You still good for the friend thing later?' Alex says._

 _Piper doesn't like the way she says 'thing,' instead of date and she knows that's a danger sign in itself, to be coveting this from Alex, but maybe it's just because she hasn't really felt so close to someone in this way since…..well she isn't quite sure. So she shoves the apprehension to back of her mind, bolting it into the shadows so it's nothing more than a dull hum._

' _Sure,' she replies, throwing up the shutters on the door, 'did you have anything in mind?'_

' _Maybe…' Alex says, the hint of a smile in her voice. She's keen to make it sound loose, casual, like it's something she thought of drinking coffee this morning, rather than the truth, that she's been planning it for a solid day.'_

' _I thought maybe we could grab some dinner,' the brunette continues._

' _Well that sounds awfully run of the mill for our first friend_ _ **thing.'**_ _She's hoping Alex will correct it to 'date', but she doesn't._

' _Oh is it? What were you expecting?'_

' _I dunno,' Piper says, closing the door behind her and flipping on the strip lights, 'maybe some Champagne….a helicopter ride over the city…..fireworks….'_

' _I thought the latter was out of bounds kid?' And she chuckles and Piper feels her breath hitch in the back of her throat._

' _I um….'_

' _Relax Piper, I'm kidding okay, I know you're all fiancéd up, this is strictly above board, as kosher as you can get.'_

 _Piper let's out a noise (laughter maybe? She's not entirely sure) because all she can focus on are the words_ _ **strictly above board,**_ _and for a second, she feels as if she's swallowed too much air. She let's out a spluttering cough._

' _You alright there?' Alex says, 'I haven't scared you off already have I?' And the warmth of her laugh is back and Piper is already longing for it to be closing time._

' _No, of course not,' she eventually manages, 'so you were saying…dinner then….'_

' _Well, there's a local theatre company putting on a production in the park, 'The Turn of the Screw.'_

' _Henry James.'_

' _Yeah….i've seen them do some stuff before, they're pretty decent, if you don't mind sitting in the cold for an evening….I mean, I'll bring mulled wine and a blanket….and my sizzling charm..'_

' _And that will be enough to keep us warm will it?'_

' _Well I would suggest something else…but your fiancé and all….'_

' _I tell you what,' Piper says, frustrated with the number of times her relationship status has already cropped up in the conversation, 'why don't we have a day when we don't mention Larry, how about that?'_

' _Fine by me.' Alex says._

' _Good.'_

' _We won't talk about Harry.'_

' _Larry.'_

' _You did it again Pipes.'_

' _Asshole.'_

…

 _The evening is much chillier than Piper had bargained for, so her raincoat is providing ineffective warmth. It doesn't take long for Alex to notice._

' _Bit cold there Pipes?'_

' _What gave it away?' she says, feeling a little foolish that she hasn't come better prepared for a fall evening._

' _The teeth chattering?'_

 _And for a second she feels stupidly self-conscious, like she did every time Caleb Miller walked past her in high school. But then Alex is laughing and Piper's chest relaxes a little._

' _Fuck you,' she says, stifling a chuckle of her own, feeling a heady mix of freedom and adventure being sat next to Alex, huddled under a blanket. She wonders if the other patrons are assuming they're a couple, or simply friends. There would be no reason for them to think the former she supposes, although Alex's eyes, every now and then the way they regard her, she swears…_

 _And then her phone is buzzing in her pocket. She ignore it at first…one message…then two. By the third time she gives in and removes it from her pocket. It's Polly (good luck on your 'friend' date….bet you've got 'real' date underwear on though)._

' _Anything interesting?' Alex asks, unscrewing the flask of wine._

' _Just Polly,' Piper says, hurriedly turning the phone off and shoving it back into her coat._

' _Cool,' Alex says, handing her a plastic red cup of booze. Cinnamon and clove and citrus immediately flood Piper's sense._

' _You make this yourself?'_

 _Alex nods, 'selling worthless crap to people isn't my only talent you know,' she smiles, but in a sad sort of way, that doesn't quite reach her eyes._

' _Hey, you shouldn't keep saying that, you've set up your own business, that's more than a lot of people and things are picking up from what you've told me.'_

 _And then her mind inadvertently flits back to Larry, whose 'in between jobs' status has slowly been encroaching over their relationship, an ever growing port wine stain over their planned life together. But the checks from Bloom senior still roll in as regular as clockwork. And somehow that's enough for Larry and Piper feels as though he considers it should be fine for her too._

 _And then a sudden hush descends and lamps light up the stage in a pale pink glow. 'This should be good,' Piper whispers, pressing a little more closely into Alex's side (it is cold after all)._

 _Alex nods before dipping her head slightly and whispering into the blonde's ear. 'And by the way Pipes,'_

' _Hmm?' she says, a little jolt of warmth piercing her, at the proximity of Alex's lips._

' _I'm more of a fan of_ _ **no**_ _underwear.'_

 _Fuck._

…

Alex knocks on the door and Piper greets her with a warmth that catches her a little off guard.

'You ready?'

Piper cranes her neck around the door, 'what, no limo?'

'Could be worse, I was half expecting you to ask where the Pumpkin carriage was.'

'That's so last year Al.' And she laughs and the warm fluttering in Alex's stomach tells her it's gonna be a good night.

'So you want me to tell you where we're going?'

'Of course,' Piper says grabbing her purse and sounding just like Olivia when she's excited about something.

Alex pulls out two tickets.

'The Turn of the Screw?'

'Yup.'

'In the park.'

'Yup.'

'Like the first time?'

' _Just_ like the first time kid.'


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry for the radio silence.**

…

Thanksgiving comes and goes with a dangerous sort of ease, as if things have gone back to normal. But there's still a crack in the veneer, even if it hasn't quite swallowed them.

The dreams of St. Cloud become more frequent, but they're flanked by something else too, some other worldly creature that Alex cannot even begin to comprehend; mournful cherubic face, flint grey eyes and clipped wings, so the beast cannot move more than a few feet above the ground.

Sometimes it beckons Alex to the ocean and she follows, waking up at the precise moment the spittle foam of a giant wave is about to come crashing over her and other times it watches from afar, mouthing something she can't make out, as the horizon behind it splits into shards of gold and electric pink.

She tells her mother about the dreams one day over dinner, as they eat peach cobbler and play cards.

'Could just be the stress?' Diane muses as she places her cards face down on the table. 'I mean you and Pipes, well you've been having a bit of a bumpy patch…'

Alex laughs sardonically. 'Is that your way of saying we're royally fucked?'

Diane shakes her head, 'of course not kiddo, you know I've got faith in you…in _both_ of you.' And then she pauses, takes a sip from her bottle of beer, picks up her cards again and says, 'maybe it's your Clarence moment?'

'My what now?' Alex says, so confused, she doesn't even realise her mother has shown her full hand.

'Clarence…you know, the angel in It's a Wonderful Life?'

'Just how many of those have you had?' Alex says, pointing at her mother's drink.

Diane laughs, 'I don't mean literally, just that maybe your sub-conscious is trying to tell you something?'

'Don't swim on a full stomach?'

'Funny, but it wouldn't hurt to give it some thought.'

They don't mention the subject again that evening. But later that night, as Alex reaches for a sleep deep enough to be dreamless, she sees the creature again, washed up in St. Cloud, face pressed into the sand as if it's a pillow, it's right wing fractured across the middle.

And when she moves closer, she spots something lying a few feet away from its body. At first she thinks it may be a trick of the light, or a form of witchcraft, but she's not mistaken. It's a fallen star, edges precise, emitting a light so pure it's almost invisible.

But suddenly they're not in St. Cloud any more and everything is upside down, but still moving, like a crazy sort of carousel.

And then she wakes, mouth dry, heart heavy and she realises…..

…it's Christmas Eve.

…

Crows balance on the bare branches of the maple tree, like a row of semi-colons. Liv tries to the count them from the kitchen window, then pauses, then starts again, like she's being doing for the last five minutes.

'Shoot!' she mutters under her breath at her latest failed attempt.

'What's up Liv?' Piper asks, knowing full well.

'I don't have enough fingers,' she replies matter of factly, her back still turned to the blonde.

'You have just as many fingers as you need baby,' Piper says, grinning.

'Do not, there are more birds than fingers.' Then she pauses momentarily, spins around and says, 'can I borrow yours?'

'My fingers?'

'Yes!' she huffs exasperated as if this is the most obvious solution in the world.

'Hurry,' she continues, before Piper has had the chance to reply, 'before they all go away,' but when she looks back, most of them are disappearing into the distance, speckling the charcoal sky. 'See,' she says pointing to the tree, 'they've gone!'

'Well honey, they have homes to go to too, don't they? They'll be back tomorrow.'

Liv doesn't reply, her expression frozen in deep thought, hardening the childish curve of her face somewhat, making Piper realise just how little regard time has for anything.

…

She's waiting in a café for Polly, remembering yesterday, when she'd stopped by the bar to see if Alex wanted to grab lunch. Except instead of walking through the door, she'd stood still and watched her through the window, laughing and joking with some bar maid, with crazy pink hair and a sleeve full of tattoos. As if it were a looking glass to another life, one in which they had never met.

And suddenly she'd no longer felt hungry and instead had turned back towards the bookstore, taking the long route through the park.

She'd watched ducks slide across a wafer of ice, bought bad coffee and sipped it on a damp bench until a voice had splintered her train of thought, sending the shards spiralling through the air like rain drops.

'Hey Pipes.'

Larry.

And Piper had been a little surprised to note that he was unchanged. Same curly hair, same awkward grin, same J.C. Penney clothes. Although why she was expecting anything else she wasn't sure. Just that she felt as if she was back _there_ again and it had made her shift uncomfortably in her seat.

He'd told her she looked well and she'd smiled. And then he'd talked about work and that he'd gotten engaged and that the wedding was next summer. He'd finished, just as quickly as he had started, by telling her that he'd hoped she was doing good and to say hello to her parents. It was all teeth and lips…nothing ever quite reaching his eyes.

But more pertinent than that, Piper had thought (mainly on reflection) he'd stopped short of asking about Alex, of her life post _them._

She'd wondered if it still hurt him, or if he simply didn't care enough to enquire, but either way, it had made her yearn for Alex in a way that she hadn't felt for months.

So she'd severed the already fading conversation without thought and returned to the bar. This time the girl with the cerise hair was nowhere to be seen, it was just Alex, restocking the fridge with beers. She'd turned as soon as she'd heard the front door open.

'Hey…Pipes..' she'd said a little in a daze, tossing the dishcloth she had draped over her shoulder onto the bar-top. And then her face had changed, from something soft and yearning, to something less readable…less _Alex._ 'Is it Liv? Is everything ok?'

'Al…it's okay, it's nothing like that,' Piper had said, a strange electricity pulsing through her chest. And then she'd licked her lips, lowered her voice and, with a fervent compulsion asked, 'is there somewhere we can go?'

…

They fuck in the store room against a rack of dusty bottles and Alex's lips taste like they always used to, of hope and magic and longing.

Piper comes harder than she can ever remember, her shuddery climax mirrored by the clinking of glass vessels and as Alex removes her fingers, Piper grabs the brunette's wrist and leads them to her own mouth. She sucks on them _hard_ , salty and sweet, all the while eyes fixed with Alex's, willing her for more.

But then the pink haired girl calls out Alex's name and the moment is ruptured.

They smooth out their clothes, like teenagers caught red handed and Piper slides out of the backdoor before the girl spots her.

But the taste in her mouth lingers. She decides she likes it that way.

…

It becomes a routine of sorts, surreptitious fucking in the store room, when Alex has a few moments to spare and the bar hasn't yet opened for the day. A morning's worth of longing, punctured with the curve of Alex's fingers and the feel of creamy, supple flesh against Piper's own.

Today she feels braver. Usually they only have time for Alex to do her and the risk is minimized that way as Piper can easily disappear out of the door and back onto the street with the throngs of other nobody's. But today is different.

They shut the door and she slams Alex against it, catching words of protest with her own mouth. The poppers on the brunette's work shirt spring open easily and Piper yanks her bra aside as she takes Alex's nipple in between her teeth, pulling and teasing and licking so Alex is writhing against the door, eyes closed, lids fluttering in some ethereal joy. And the power it gives the blonde makes her feel giddy in a way she couldn't really explain in the 'real' world.

So she doesn't try.

Alex comes so quickly that Piper finds it hard not to grin.

And then they part wordlessly.

…

Alex calls her December 23rd. Piper is watching a Muppet Christmas Carol with Liv and trying to stop her eating all of the candy canes that Cal has bought around.

'So are we fuck buddies now?' she says.

'Liv's in the room,' Piper hisses as she moves into the hallway, phone pressed firmly against her ear, afraid of any stray words shooting out, shrapnel like.

'I'm not on speaker am I?'

'Well no…'

'So answer the question.'

Piper sighs. 'I don't know Alex…what do you want to call it? I mean the sex is pretty great….'

'It's always great,' Alex replies and Piper can just imagine the smug grin presently plastered on her face. In fact, she's positively sure she can damn well hear it.

'Alright… _greater_.'

'Greater than what?'

'I don't know…'

'You don't know?'

'No…'

They pause for a second, let a silence settle, because it feels safe that way, until Alex is the first to break it.

'Hey….if you caught a falling star, what would you do with it?'

'Al….'

'Just humour me huh? What would you do with it?'

And it only takes Piper a second to reply this time and it's so neat and perfect Alex has no response.

'I'd give it to you Al.'

…

 **Christmas Day 2am**

Alex looks out of the window, a sheet of frost glints like a constellation, on the sidewalk below. The moon is lost someplace and the air is hanging heavy, as if a weight of expectation looms on its shoulders.

She should ask Piper to move back in.

The work at the bar is steady, pays fairly and she's managed to sell some stock that she'd forgotten she had stored over at her mom's place. It's still not enough to revert back to plan A, in fact this is very much a plan D or E or something, but it's a start and she'll take that for now.

And then it begins to snow, a weak shaft of watery snowflakes at first, illuminated by the streetlamp, twisting and floating like fairy dust.

She grabs her phone from the nightstand and messages Piper, knowing it's a shot in the dark as she'll most likely be asleep, but she does it anyway.

'It's snowing,' she punches in. And to her surprise, the response is almost instant, as if Piper has been waiting by her cell.

'It is,' she replies. 'Merry Christmas.'

…

 **Christmas day 9pm**

The Chapman's have disappeared to the club for some late Yuletide drinks and Cal and Neri have gone home. Olivia is curled in between them on the couch, fast asleep, like the most content cat. Lights flicker from the quiz show on TV, tossing out shadows in odd sequences.

'Well I think she had fun,' Piper says, gently moving their daughter so she can free herself momentarily.

'Want me to take her up?' Alex asks.

'In a minute, I want to show you something first.'

'Is this….store room showing?' Alex grins.

'You wish.'

And they both laugh and it settles in Alex's chest in a way that feels warm and safe.

Piper leads her to the kitchen and she opens a drawer, pulling out a black jewellery box with a red ribbon tied around it. 'Open it,' she says offering Alex the gift.

'But we said no presents,' the brunette protests.

'This is different,' Piper replies, 'you'll see.'

Alex tugs open the ribbon and flips open the box, and there, nestling against the black velvet is a silver pendent, glimmering with an engraved star.

'You asked me what I'd do if I caught a falling star…remember?'

And Alex nods.

She thinks of her dream and St. Cloud and the vivid shimmer of the star.

'You're something else, you know that kid?' she smiles.

And then she pulls the blonde close and kisses her.

She tastes of the beach.

…

 **A/N: Merry Christmas.**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: I mean, this is a bit of a cheat really. Consider it an outtake from Winter's Shadow…or maybe a B-side or something? But it's just scene setting for what's to come in the present. I'll probably have more of these cropping up in this fic, it's probably a bit self-indulgent of me, but I'm allowed that right?**

 **Enjoy.**

…

'My car's broken down.'

'Are you that much of a cliché Piper?'

'What?'

'We're straight into opening porno scene territory here.'

'Huh?'

'Well either that or a broken washing machine.'

'Alex, I literally have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, now are you going to help me or not?'

'Why haven't you called The Fiancé?' Alex says, a wicked shimmer to her eyes.

Piper sighs, adjusting the bag she has slung over her shoulder. 'He's away, some research thing for an article he's been asked to write about…'

'It's okay Pipes, that was more than enough detail for me,' Alex grins. A little too smugly for Piper's liking, but she finds it hard to be annoyed all the same.

'So will you help?' Piper says, wondering why she's even pushing the matter, after all, this would be a perfect excuse not to have dinner with her parents tonight.

'Listen kid, I may have a lot of talents, some not necessarily for public consumption….'

She pauses, laughter warm and breathy and all of a sudden (as seems to be the norm these days) Piper finds her mind wandering to not so _friendly_ territory. Trailing over new terrain, especially late at night, when the shadows conceal what her eyes betray. Thoughts of flesh grazing flesh, the shimmer of lips and the cocoon of clammy, slightly sour air.

'The car,' she repeats rather robotically.

Alex looks at her curiously, arching an eyebrow. 'Like I was saying _before_ you went all….twilight zone on me.'

'I did what?'

'You went all weird, spaced out…your eyes were doing weird things.'

'Weird things?'

'Yup.'

'Like what.'

'Blinking really slowly, like you were in a daze.'

'I was?'

'Uh huh.'

Piper turns away slightly, suddenly very self-conscious, concerned that she may have given herself away.

She takes a deep breath, pushes her shoulders back and attempts to regain focus. After all, there's no harm done, thoughts like that are meaningless, it's probably because she's been stressed at work lately and her mother has been busting her ass to set a firm date for the wedding ( _the club gets booked up years in advance sweetheart, we need to be organised, unless you want to end up down at city hall….)._

'Sorry,' she says, not even sure why she's offering an apology.

'You don't need to apologise for being a weirdo Pipes, I find it endearing…kinda.' Alex says, gently tugging on the strap of Piper's bag.

 _And there's that fucking laugh again. Jesus._

And if there's a Hell, Piper is certain she's heading straight there if she carries on this track.

 _Maybe._

 _May._

 _Be._

'Look, I know fuck all about cars, apart from how to pull over on the side of the road to scoop up your busted exhaust, but if you need a ride some place I'll take you? I was about to close up the store for the day in any case.'

Piper shakes her head. 'I don't have anywhere to be really.'

She thinks about the Sunday school lesson when she'd learnt that lying was a sin. She shifts the weight of her body from one leg to the other, practically feeling the flames of perdition fanning her.

'Right.' Alex says. 'So you want to call the company to tow it, I'll wait with you?'

So she does.

They sit in the café where they usually go for lunch, except it's half an hour to closing time and it's dead in there.

They grab lattes and split a cinnamon Danish. Piper finds her gaze lingering way too long on Alex licking frosting from her fingers. She swallows down more coffee to distract herself. It's tepid by now. She barely notices.

'You got any plans for tonight?' she asks Alex, aiming for nonchalant. But her voice sounds oddly strained, almost as if it isn't her own.

'Um, Sylvie said she'd come over and cook…although knowing Sylvie, only parts of it will be edible.' She laughs, but it's hollow, not like before and Piper's wondering if it's because she's revealed some personal information.

Alex is always pretty guarded about her love life. Although Piper isn't entirely sure that's the best description for it, as all her relationships seem to be loose arrangements at best. Although the name _Sylvie_ has cropped up more consistently than any other. The thought makes her skin itch.

'Sounds fun,' the blonde dead pans.

'Sorry I won't be able to compete with your tow truck fun.'

'You make it sound like I'm gonna go home with him.'

'That's porno film number two.' Alex says. 'Baby steps huh?'

They both laugh and Piper wonders why it's so easy with Alex, the ebb and flow of conversation as natural as the soft, rolling waves of a gentle summer tide.

'Hey,' the blonde says, feeling a surge of courage she can't ignore. 'Wanna ditch Sylvie and do something?'

'You make it sound like we're kids playing hooky.' Alex laughs. 'If you want to hang out, you can just say that Piper.'

The tips of Piper's ears go pink, it feels kinda nice in a way.

'Well, _do_ you want to hang out? I mean, your _girlfriend_ won't mind will she?' She pauses, breath caught in her throat, realising that she's banking on Alex denying that Sylvie is her girlfriend. But she refuses to analyse why she cares so much. Or worse- why she cares so much that she cares so much.

'Sylvie?' Alex says, spinning a teaspoon between her thumb and forefinger. 'Nah, she'll be cool.'

Piper waits another few seconds, but the denial isn't forthcoming and she's no idea why, but suddenly the air around her feels heavy, oppressive in a way she can't fathom.

A few minutes later the tow company arrives. They agree to take her car to a mechanics downtown and tell her to collect it tomorrow morning. Piper feels stupidly pleased at the fact that this means she _has_ to rely on Alex for a ride home now and by the time she arrives back at the café, she's grinning like a goofy kid.

'Gee Pipes, I've never seen anyone so happy to be having their car towed.' Alex grins.

'Fuck you.'

'Well now….' Alex says, her smile becoming more mischievous.

'Just stop there….' Piper says, trying to fold her feelings neatly back inside her chest.

'You were the one that just said….'

'Do you always have to be such an arrogant asshole?'

Alex tilts her head slightly as if she's thinking about it and then she says, 'nah, I take Sunday's off.'

'Well today's Friday, so you ready to go?' Piper says.

'Absolutely.' Comes the firm reply.

…

They go back to Alex's store, evening shadows chasing them and drink bourbon in the back office from chipped mugs. Piper ignores the leaking roof and the draft coming in from the cracked windowpane. It feels oddly cozy with just the lamplight illuminating the room, almost as it's the softening the edges of _them._

'Ignore the smell of moth balls, I'm afraid it comes with the territory of owning a vintage clothes store.' Alex says.

'What makes them vintage?' Piper asks.

'An extra 50 bucks.' Alex laughs.

'Quite the entrepreneur huh?'

'Oh yeah that's me, can't you tell? Alex says nodding towards the damp patch on the wall.

'Everyone's gotta start from somewhere right?'

'Yeah, but I'm not sure cheap bourbon in a drafty back office is gonna make my memoirs.'

'Would _I_ make them?' Piper asks, only sort of joking.

'Sure you would.' Alex says refilling both glasses.

'I would?' she replies sitting up a little straighter.

'Yup, in the footnotes.'

'Dick.'

'Merci.'

'French doesn't stop you being an asshole you know?' Piper says, sounding petulant.

'I'm banking on it,' she grins.

…

It's close to midnight and the moon seems oddly near and Piper is midway between drunk and _very_ drunk.

They get a cab. Alex insists on dropping Piper off first. She doesn't come inside, despite Piper insisting it may not be safe for her to be alone, with 'Larry so far away'.

'You live on the Upper East Side Pipes, the worst you'll ever get is some over zealous charity collectors.'

But Piper doesn't laugh, she's half wondering if Alex won't call Sylvie over after all. She imagines them lying in bed, face to face, breath all bourbon and anticipation.

'So you're going back to yours then?' she says, as she clambers out of the cab, realising how stupid the question must sound.

'I am.' Alex replies. 'You'll be okay kid,' she says after a few seconds, 'but if there are any monsters under you bed, you can call me, alright?'

Piper's eyes immediately brighten. 'You won't be too busy with _other_ things?' she quickly adds.

Her second test for Alex that evening.

'Listen, for monsters under _your_ bed Pipes, I'd dropped the whole damn world.' And then she smiles and it's the _real_ kind, the one that runs directly from the warm, bloody mess of her heart, straight to her eyes.

'Night.' Piper says, an odd feeling of exhilaration making her feel more inebriated than she'd felt a few moments ago.

'G'night Pipes.'

…

But Piper doesn't find any monsters under her bed that night.

Instead she has a strange ache in her heart and a restless energy thrumming through her blood.

And she figures, the demons you can't see are worse than the ones that you can.

…

 **AN: Sorry this one is taking a while, but I'm really trying to sort out my original work this year, so this is sort of gently simmering on the back burner, but definitely not forgotten.**

 **Thank you for reading. Thoughts most welcome and very much appreciated.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hello. Thank you to all of you lovely chaps for still reading. Once again I'm sorry for the speed (or lack thereof) at which this is being produced, but as I keep saying, I won't leave it unfinished.**

 **I would really appreciate your thoughts, so please let me know what you think.**

 **Thanks again for reading and your patience.**

 **Enjoy.**

It's late. She's got the witching hour blues and bourbon and Rochelle for company.

The letter from the insurance firm arrived today. The words practically seared onto the fabric of her brain.

 _We regret to inform you…._

'I would say penny for your thoughts, but something tells me it would cost me a heck of a lot more than that,' Rochelle says, half smiling, swirling her tumbler and watching the dregs of her drink crash against the sides.

Alex laughs. At least in her head that's what she's doing, but she guesses the sound she emits is quite different, because a few seconds later she realises that Rochelle has placed a hand on her shoulder and she's asking if everything is okay.

The Neon bar sign is bathing one side of the room in electric blue. And somehow it seems as though it may be safer there, as if it's not quite part of the real world- cool and uncomplicated. But Alex doesn't shift from her position in the booth, tucked away in the farthest corner of the room, taking empty comfort from shadows that feel not quite there.

'Alex.' Rochelle says, firmly, as if the edges of words have lost their usual peach fuzz.

'Sorry,' she replies, staring down at her own empty glass on the sticky coaster. She mumbles something about stuff being on her mind. She knows Rochelle has formed an idea of Alex's life. A loosely shaped world of muddy complications, one in which Alex resides almost permanently these days. But the brunette doesn't add anything else to the sorry- nothing to provide any sort of comfort, or to lighten the mood at the very least.

'I would offer you another,' Rochelle says, pointing to the glass, 'but somehow I don't think that's a great idea.'

Alex doesn't argue. She swings so wildly between inebriation and stark sobriety of late that the world seems as if it's been tipped off its axis and is now following a different orientation.

She opts for changing the subject, deciding she's too yellow to dwell on the fact that it's been months since Piper moved out and that the expanse between them seems to be increasing, like a sinkhole neither of them saw coming. She idly curls her fingers around the star pendant she's worn since Christmas.

'That's pretty,' Rochelle says, 'I don't think I've noticed it before.'

'It was a gift.'

'From the girlfriend?'

She says girlfriend as though it's some abstract concept; a notion rather than something with roots and relevance and it stabs at Alex in a way that strips her nerves a little raw and fans her temper momentarily. But she's not sure who she's really angry at or why.

'Yes, _the_ girlfriend,' she says and then she shifts in her seat and decides to change the subject. 'So, you never going back to St. Cloud?'

Rochelle laughs and flexes her bicep, making the inked serpent momentarily come alive. And there in the shadows, Alex feels as though she can almost see the flicker of its tongue, the shimmer of scales. The thought makes her shudder slightly.

'I never thought about it for long enough,' Rochelle says, downing the last of her drink. 'I guess that should tell you something.'

'All it tells me is that you're young,' Alex smiles.

'But old enough to know better.'

'Better than what?'

'I guess time will tell.' And then they both laugh and Rochelle slides out of the booth and retrieves the rest of the bourbon anyway.

They drink until it begins to rain outside, a weak half assed sort of drizzle, as the fingertips of dawn trace the outline of a new day.

Rochelle tells her about the next tattoo she's planning on getting and shows Alex a picture of it on her cell.

'You ever think of getting another one?' she asks Alex.

The brunette shrugs.

'Not one for the girlfriend huh?'

'I don't need to,' Alex says. 'She's more permanent than that.'

…

She doesn't want to face going back to the empty apartment this morning, it always feel hollow these days, as if all the happiness has been scooped out of it, leaving a brittle shell. So she hunkers down into the chair in the back office, loosely covered by her jacket and waits for silence to drift through the chambers of her mind and carry with it a kind of rest.

But she can hear Rochelle tapping on the laptop next door ( _i'm a dreadful insomniac, I'll just potter around here for a few hours, don't worry)._ And Alex wonders why humans are so dreadfully flawed.

She remembers a church service from when she was a kid, a christening of some long forgotten relative she thinks.

 _We are all borne of sin._

But if a sinner man sins, what does everyone else do?

Sleep, she guesses.

…

Rochelle wakes her gently and from the pool of sunlight on the desk in front of her, Alex is guessing it's way past daybreak.

'What time is it?' she says running a hand over her face. It feels clammy, as if she's coming down with something.

'8am. Sorry to wake you, but you left your cell in the bar and it's been buzzing pretty incessantly for the last 20 minutes, so I figured you'd want to check it, Rochelle says handing her the phone.

'Shit!' Alex says, looking at the missed calls from Piper. Dark shapes immediately drift through her mind, shards of a story she doesn't want to construct.

'Thanks,' she belatedly mumbles as Rochelle leaves the room.

Piper answers on the second ring. 'Thank fuck Alex, where have you been?'

'At work…I'm at work.'

'The bar doesn't open until midday and you never get there that early.'

Suspicion is woven through her words, a solid thread of it, but Alex isn't sure exactly what she's trying to stitch together, so she doesn't dwell on it too much.

'I stayed here last night that was all. Is everything alright? Liv?'

'Yes of course, she's fine, munching her way through a second bowl of Captain Crunch.' Then she pauses, 'come say hi to your mom baby,' her voice now slightly muffled.

'Hi to your mom,' Liv yells from somewhere in the distance.

'Still a smartarse huh?' Alex says, exhaustion seeming to catch up with her all at once, her head throbbing with a dull mix of relief and broken sleep. 'Wonder where she gets that from?'

'Rogue gene.'

A silence wedges between them momentarily before Piper speaks again.

'I'm sorry if I alarmed you, it's just that I saw the letter from the insurers yesterday when I picked up some stuff up from the apartment and well…'

'You thought I'd gone on a bender?'

'No, of course not…I just….'

'You just what?'

'I was worried about you that's all. You weren't at home when I called last night and this morning. I know you're trying so hard Al, the bar….'

'You don't need to worry about me. I messed up and I'll fix it.'

Piper's heart seems to free fall to the pit of her stomach at the thought of Alex, broken and alone in cold back office at the bar, trying desperately to patch together the pieces of a life they had worked so hard to construct.

'Hey Al?'

'Yeah?'

'Liv misses you a lot you know.'

'Really? She seems to be pretty happy with old Cap'n Crunch over there.' She laughs, but it comes out as more of a sigh.

'Maybe…but here's the thing, I miss you too.'

'Yeah?'

'Yes.'

And Alex's chest is suddenly thrumming so hard she's 12 again, on her first set of wheels (a gawdy yellow mountain bike. Distinctly hand-me-down) free wheeling down the hill her mother told her was too dangerous, the breeze whistling a tune all of it's own, the sweet scent of summer hanging in the air.

'How much?'

'Enough to move back in….'

Alex makes her repeat the statement three times ( _for good luck Pipes)._

'We don't need luck Al.'

'No?'

'Absolutely not.'

'Hey Pipes.'

'Yeah?'

'Say something nice.'

'Something nice.' She laughs.

'Yup…definitely not a rogue gene.'

…

Piper comes to the bar around midnight. Eyes glimmering like the old days- her heart a knot of fear of longing.

They flirt back and forth and it's so easy, it's almost as if they've been transported back in time, when Larry was fading into the background and they'd fuck a whole afternoon away like it was sport and the air would remain thick with the scent of desire, long after they had finished.

Alex introduces Rochelle to Piper. 'She's really helped me find my feet in this place- it was a fucking mess when I took the job on.'

'We really need to work on your business jargon,' Rochelle laughs, but Piper notices she never quite manages to make eye contact with the blonde and she excuses herself pretty rapidly.

'I don't think she likes me,' Piper says a little later, when the last patrons have begun swaying out of the doors.

'Who?' Alex says, shoveling ice into two glasses.

'Rochelle.'

Alex raises an eyebrow. 'Pipes, are you….jealous?'

And Piper immediately regrets saying anything.

'If it puts your mind at rest, I'm pretty sure she's straight.'

'Right.'

'And she's nice.'

'Cos nice girls have serpent tattoos.'

'Well now you just sound like your mother.'

'Boner killer.'

'I didn't even realise we'd gotten that far.'

'We haven't.'

And then they both laugh and it feels better than it has for weeks.

'You don't have to wait around for me to finish, I know you have to be up early tomorrow for work.'

But Piper doesn't reply. Instead she walks around the bar, pushes Alex against the cash register and kisses her long and hard. She tastes of cigarettes and cherries. 'Let's get out of here,' she whispers.

Alex doesn't need to be told twice.

…

They don't make it to the bed, or the couch.

They fuck on the kitchen floor. Each breath stripping away an old part of them, making way for something new. Each thrust an acknowledgement, a tacit understanding.

So when Piper tells Alex she loves her, she responds with every cell of her skin.

And when Alex says she knows they will make it, Piper accepts with a ferocity that scares her.

And then it's dawn.

And it's all okay.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Hello to those still reading.**

 **This is the final chapter of this little soiree so I hope you enjoy it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and followed etc, much appreciated as per. I may have another story in the pipeline, but if you've got any thoughts for something, then either PM me or drop it in a review and I'll give it some thought.**

 **But for now, here's the finale, so please indulge.**

…

Rochelle asks her if everything is ok the next day. She places a crate of beer on the bar top ready to re-stock the fridge. 'Just that you kinda left in a hurry.'

'Oh, I um… had somewhere I needed to be….you know how it is sometimes…' She tails off, grinning, hoping it won't require any further explanation.

'Uh huh. Something to do with _the_ girlfriend?' Rochelle says, raising an eyebrow.

'No comment.'

'Your 'no comment,' is telling me a whole heap.'

'Yeah? Like what exactly?'

Rochelle shakes her head and laughs. 'You know, acting coy doesn't suit you one bit.'

'Shhhh, it's all I got for you right now.'

'I suppose it will have to do then huh?' Then she pauses, turns to face Alex more fully and there's a palpable shift in the air, as if it's suddenly become a little oppressive.

'Hey, I hope you don't think I'm being out of line here, but…'

'It's a little early for the heavy stuff, go easy on me,' Alex says, grabbing a couple of bottles from the crate and sliding them into the open fridge.

Rochelle laughs softly. 'No, nothing like that, just that I got the impression your girlfriend didn't really like me?'

'Piper?' Alex says, not knowing what else to add.

'Yeah, I dunno, maybe I got it wrong? Just a vibe I got.'

There's another pause, it feels more suffocating than the first, as if it's pressing directly on Alex's chest.

'She doesn't think…you and me…?' Rochelle says, looking so fiercely at Alex that the brunette isn't sure if it's safe to look away.

'What? No! God no!' she says in one fraught exhale, wondering exactly where this train of thought is coming from. And Piper hadn't been jealous really had she? Her comment the night before was nothing more than a playful jest, based on nothing at all.

And then she remembers Chloe. And the Autumn she spent alone.

'Sorry, I hope I didn't step out of line, but I just want you to know that nothing would happen.'

'What?' Alex says a mixture of grim confusion and alarm seeping into her voice, making it sound a little ragged, impolite. But she figures now is not the time for manners. She hasn't been busting her ass trying to fix things with Piper to have some irrelevant complication encroach on things.

Rochelle appears to shrink back slightly. She licks her lips and swallows hard. 'I just meant…'

'It doesn't matter what you meant,' Alex interrupts, her tone failing to soften, 'like it's really fucking irrelevant.'

Adrenalin is coursing through her so powerfully it's making her legs feel less than steady, but she's on a roll now, not certain she can make herself stop.

'I don't know what you've got in your head, maybe you misinterpreted something I said…or did…maybe we've been spending too much time working together, I don't fucking know, but I'm with Piper…. _for keeps_. You get that right?'

Rochelle nods slowly, as if she's afraid of making any sudden movements. 'I'm sorry,' she says. It's barely audible, but Alex's mind is trapped in the slow, flickering images of _that_ Autumn and so sympathy isn't registering.

'You can't just go around saying shit like that, it's not cool.' She barely pauses for breath before she continues. 'Words have consequences okay? People misunderstand stuff.'

She's not looking directly at Rochelle, she's looking over her shoulder into the distance, watching a couple staring into a jewelry store window across the road.

And then the phone rings and she disappears into the back office to answer it. It's the supplier. They tell her the order is going to be delivered later than usual and she finds herself agreeing to something that she can't remember once she's replaced the receiver.

She slumps down in the chair. Her breathing feels normal again, her head a little clearer and she wonders when her fear of losing Piper became so powerful. After all, what had Rochelle really said?

She walks back into the bar, the fridge has been re-stocked, the crate lying empty on the floor.

'Hey,' she says to Rochelle who's stood slicing a basket of limes into wedges.

'Hey,' she mumbles, not even looking up. And Alex suddenly feels like a massive asshole.

'Look, I'm sorry if I went off at you earlier, just that Piper and I….well we've been through kind of a rough patch, we're just fixing stuff and I don't want anything getting in the way of that.'

 _Silence._

'I guess I just overreacted or something, I'm sorry okay.'

 _Silence._

'Christ Rochelle, what do you want from me, I said I'm sorry okay?'

'You're a fucking asshole,' Rochelle says, but it lacks bite and sounds more sullen, like a child having a tantrum.

'Well you're not the first to say that, and I'm damn sure you won't be the last,' Alex grins.

And then Rochelle laughs and it feels like progress.

'I hope Piper knows what she's let herself in for with a lifetime of _you_.' Rochelle says tossing a lime at Alex's head, which she only just manages to catch.

Alex thinks there's something really satisfying about hearing someone say it out loud like that.

 _A lifetime._

…

When she gets home it's past midnight. She checks in on Olivia, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest in the pale pink light cast by her night lamp and wonders what she's dreaming about. 'I hope it's something good kiddo,' she whispers into the shadows, before creeping back downstairs.

'Piper's pouring them both a larger than normal glass of wine.

'Rough day?' she asks the blonde, pointing to the generous measures.

'Kinda,' she replies, but doesn't elaborate. 'You?'

'Same,' Alex says, 'but hey, I think I've got enough money to cover the stock I lost, _finally._ '

'Oh,' Piper replies, handing Alex a glass. And then a strange silence hangs awkwardly in the air, as if they're both too frightened to press any further, worried where the thread of conversation will lead. After all, they've worked so hard to get back here and it still feels fragile, as if the bones of them need to be fleshed out a little.

But it's Piper that tugs at it first, when they're sat on the couch, feeling soothed by the wine, ignoring the replay of some black and white movie that neither of them can quite recall.

'You know, maybe in weird way we both needed this break?'

'What, you mean like a hole in the fucking head?' Alex says, a bark of laughter punctuating the end of the sentence.

'Funny, but you know what I mean.'

Alex takes a deep sip of wine, feeling a layer of tension unraveling itself as it begins to warm her blood.

'Actually Pipes, I really don't, because honestly, these last few months have been some of the worst of my life.'

It's so sincere that for a second Piper almost doesn't want to add anything, because it feels as though she doesn't have the courage to offer something just as honest. But then she figures she didn't start this conversation just to chicken out when it matters most, so she takes another swig of the Merlot and carries on.

'You know, there's a whole world out there,' she says nodding towards the window. 'A myriad of possibilities, opportunities we haven't grasped, people we haven't even met.'

'Is this your way of telling me you're moving and you're taking on a new identity?' Alex grins.

 _Humour_ , humour has always been her friend…protector, because it doesn't matter if there's a punch-line.

 _Why did the chicken cross the road?_

'Al, please, listen,' the blonde says half wondering when the timer runs out on her feeling even slightly brave. 'What I need you to really understand, what I'm trying so horribly to say, is that it doesn't matter what's out there, who or what, because it only means something if you're there with me. You and Liv. Otherwise it's just particles and dust. Empty.'

Alex stares down at her glass, realising there's only one mouthful left at the most and wondering how she didn't notice she was drinking it so quickly. A warm hum seems to be settling on her skin, making her feel more human than she has for a while.

'So what are you saying exactly?' she finally adds, when the words have stopped jangling around her brain and she can pin them into some sort of cohesion.

'I'm saying,' Piper replies, softer now, her voice almost liquid, 'that I nearly lost you, _our_ family and nothing is worth that.'

'Not even another baby?' Alex says, so quickly, that it's almost a full second before she realises the words have graced her lips, breath jammed awkwardly in her chest, a mix of hope and dread.

' _Nothing,'_ Piper says smiling, placing her glass on the floor. She leans forward, kisses Alex gently on the lips and repeats, ' _nothing_.' Except it's firmer this time, as if the proximity to Alex's flesh is reviving her somehow.

They're flanked by a puppet show of shadows, cast from the refractions of the TV and Alex half imagines that it's another _them,_ formed in another time and place, maybe with a different ending.

'But you were so set on the idea of another baby,' she finally says, when she's sure she's processed the information correctly, that Piper is saying that she is enough, _she and Liv_ and the life they've worked so hard to cultivate _are_ enough. The thought is sending her a little giddy and she's not sure it's entirely down to the booze.

'Maybe I've just realised that I was chasing something so hard, an idea that was only partially evolved, that I was ignoring what I could already touch.'

And then she kisses Alex again, but this time it lingers and she winds her fingers through the brunette's hair, almost as if she's fighting for traction, worried that she will dissipate around her if she doesn't.

'I love you,' she whispers, in a wet, half shudder. And it's then that Alex realises that the blonde is crying. So they sit like that for a little while, allowing the silence to soothe them, arms wrapped tightly around one another, as if they're marooned at sea on a sole life raft.

By the time the credits roll around on the TV screen, Alex realises Piper has fallen asleep on her shoulder. And all she can do is smile to herself and thank whatever is looking out for them.

…

'Mom, can I tell you a secret?' Olivia says to Alex, as they sit on the park bench eating ice creams. Oliva has some on the tip of her nose, but Alex thinks it's adorable, so she doesn't bother pointing it out.

'Sure kiddo, shoot.'

'I'm really glad we're all living together again.'

'Me too Liv,' Alex smiles.

'So next time Grandma and Grandpa want to spent more time with me, can you come too?'

'It's ok baby, I promise that won't happen again,' she says, the guilt of the excuse they'd given the little girl, poking at the flesh of the wound.

'Sure?'

'Absolutely,' she says, holding Olivia close.

And then it begins to snow.

…

Piper comes home from work and finds the brunette cooking dinner in the kitchen. She stands in the door-way and watches Alex, glasses on top of her head, intently stirring a large pot, spice tinged steam billowing around her. And it makes her heart feel like a warm fuzzy thing, that she's long lost control over.

She walks up behind her, wraps her arms around the brunette's waist and kisses her neck.

'Careful,' Alex says without turning around, 'my girlfriend will be back soon.'

'Asshole,' Piper says grinning. She releases Alex and examines the bubbling pot.

'What's cooking?'

'Curry,' Alex says.

'And Liv agreed to eat that?' Piper replies, only partially joking.

'Liv's at Polly's'

'So that means…'

'Place to ourselves,' Alex says, turning to face the blonde.

'Jackpot.'

'I aim to please,' the brunette says kissing Piper firmly, hungrily as if she's planning on devouring her whole.

'Maybe we should pace ourselves, we have all night,' Piper replies, pulling away breathlessly. But her conviction is already wavering.

And then she spots a large cardboard box next to the dining table. 'I thought you took all the new stock down to the store?' She says to Alex.

'I did,' Alex replies.

'So what's that?'

'I dunno, can you take a look? I need to keep an eye on the food,' Alex says, turning back to the stove.

'Oh, _now_ you need to keep an eye on the curry,' Piper says rolling her eyes.

'Just do it…please?' Alex replies adding a teaspoon of something to the pot.

'Alright,' Piper says, lifting the box onto the table and flipping it open. There's half a dozen or so T-shirts wrapped in cellophane, some band she's never heard of, but resting on top is a small, blue jewellery box. Instinctively she snaps it open and there, nestled in the centre is her grandmother's engagement ring.

She spins around so quickly, she almost crashes straight into Alex, who is now standing right behind her.

'Al….my grandmother's ring…you got it restored…one of the stone's was missing….'

'I did, Carol said she wanted you to have it when…'

'When…?'

'Listen, I've not done this before, so if this is less than perfect then forgive me okay? And maybe if I didn't smell of curry right now, then that would help too, but me and you, we've never really been conventional right? So why should that change?'

And then she laughs and all the nervousness comes crashing around her all at once, like a series of dominoes. She coughs and attempts to steady herself, all the while the blonde stood in front of her, frozen to the spot.

'Piper Elizabeth Chapman….will you marry me?'

The silence might only have lasted a few seconds, tops, the brunette couldn't say for certain, but it seems to stretch out so long that Alex isn't sure the blood pounding in her ears is ever going to stop.

'Yes!' the blonde finally says, looking at Alex, the ring and then Alex again. 'Yes of course I will.'

And then they kiss and it slides into something else-something visceral, something borrowed and something _new._


End file.
